When we moved here 5 years ago I was so excited and gung-ho to have the space to build a mini-farm. I wanted chickens, possibly goats or a milk cow, and a LARGE garden. It took us a while to get our feet under us and start collecting. We built garden boxes, we got more bees, we got the chickens and came thisclose to getting milking goats. In the last three years, this is what I've learned:
- I'm not a gardener. I like growing food, but I'm not Mavis and I'm not going to grow tons of food because I don't like being outside working in the garden all day!
- I'm not my dad. I don't like having daily feeding chores. Last winter I kept asking myself why I had turned myself into my dad. I had animals that I HAD to feed every day... rain, snow or shine.
- I'm SSSOOOOOOOO glad I never got a goat or cow to milk! If I think feeding chickens, collecting eggs and cleaning a coop is bad...! Yikes.
- I thought the kids would be more involved in all this, but that was my dream, not theirs, hence the fact that C and I are the ones doing all the work....
- Although I'm thankful to have tried these things and for what I've learned (about chickens and gardening) through this experience, it's not my love and passion. I don't dream about it...anymore.
I have heard of mothers who feel like they've lost themselves in the process of mothering and I've never quite related to that. But now, after 25+ years of being a mom I'm realizing I'm not sure who I am or what I am beyond a mom. I'm not angry or resentful about it, mostly I'm confused and curious. What lies within me waiting to be discovered?
I recently read a blog post, (can't find the link or I'd post it) and it talked about how people have either a 'fixed' mindset or a 'growth' mindset. It was very interesting and has given me a lot to think about. I've realized that logically I say I have or believe in a 'growth' mindset but my behavior and history tell me I've lived a 'fixed' mindset. I want to change that. I want to stop being afraid to try new things or to learn. I have a number of things I've wanted to do/learn but as I have grown older when I think of them, I usually think to myself that "it's too late, the time for such things is past". I think it's more that I'm letting fear of failure stop me from attempting things. I've always said it's never too late to learn or that learning never stops, yet I stop my learning at the doing stage. I study, research and digest information and then never DO anything with it other than think about it.
I'm hoping that in my wishy-washy way I can find what my passion is, or at least find something I truly enjoy doing, and actually make myself DO IT!
I have definitely started feeling this also which is probably the reason I just want a few minutes to myself late late into the night. I was at a stake conference in my parents stake and they were just putting in a new stake presidency. I was SOOOO impressed with the new stake president and his wife (come to find out she's actually in the general primary presidency - Sister Stevens - not sure how it's spelled), and found myself wanting to be like them and even feeling completely inadequate and lousy about myself. The spirit whispered a reminder to me that day though that they were pretty amazing before they even came here (pre-existence) and have continued their growth. The Lord isn't displeased with my efforts, and the most amazing thing that I was "told" was that I have years to go in this life plus an eternity to continue working on myself and becoming like my Savior. I think we forget too often that it doesn't end with this life. So (((hugs))) my internet friend - now you can find new passions since we're always changing and growing! You're amazing!
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