1,2,3,Cheeeeeeese!

I've been pondering another societal norm that I've noticed in the last few years. It has to do with cameras.

What? Cameras?

Let me begin back when I was in 6th grade. A very, l-o-n-g time ago. Not mentioning any years.
We took a little field trip to a national park near our town. I was so thrilled to have a camera to take. I think it was a little 110. Can't remember for sure. I used a WHOLE roll of film! Then I had to pay to get it developed and wait for it to come back. I loved those pictures, even typing on the back of them what they were. Which was good, because years later, if I hadn't had the info on the back I would have had no idea what the picture was of. Was I in any of the pictures? Yes, one. Out of 24, probably. The rest were of the landscapes, wildlife and scenery, and a couple of my friends.

Fast forward to today in our digital imaging age. My young teenaged daughter got a camera for Christmas a couple of years ago, and I've had one for a few years. While I love the ease of picture taking and deleting the not so good images, I hate storing thousands of digital images on my computer that are never going to be printed. But that's not my issue. Here's what I've noticed that has me scratching my head. While I tend to take pictures of my kids and things we do, I've noticed that the teen and early-mid 20's crowd tend to take pictures of . . . . .themselves.

Why is that? It honestly never enters my mind to take tons of pictures of myself in various poses and various states of dress. In fact, if it ever enters my mind to take a picture of myself I quickly throw that thought out, thinking how puffy I look in pictures. But I don't think that taking pictures of myself would be something I would do even if I wasn't 'puffy', if I was not overweight and out of shape.

What drives people to photograph themselves all the time? I believe that it is a product of our 'it's all about me' society. This generation of people has been raised with the notion that they are special, wonderful, important and that it's all about them, individually. Therefore, it follows that there is nothing better to take a picture of than their wonderful self. I also believe that it's a longing to be like the 'rich, famous and beautiful' people who are paraded across the magazines and screens, telling us how we should look, what we should wear, drive, eat and spend our time doing.

Going through my daughter's pictures one day I found a ton of pictures she and her good friend had taken together before we moved. At first, I thought it was nice and that they were cute, but the more I looked at them and thought about them, the more unhappy I became. Not that there was anything risque about them. It was just the dumb poses that they struck, the stuck out lips as if they were trying to make their mouths look more 'luscious' for lack of a better term. Too much sexualization if you really looked at it. I know these girls had no conscious intention to try to sexualize themselves, but because of the society they have been born into and have been drowning in ever since, they did it unconsciously. I have realized that I have a huge responsibility to try to steer them away from such behaviour and if they must have a camera, to teach them some photography skills to encourage them to take pictures of other things.

The end of the story: my daughter's camera was left laying around, of course, and the screen was broken. I'm not all that sad about it, either. I won't provide another so quickly and will do it with much contemplation and if I feel good about it.

A "Measure" of Success....

One of the societal norms that is having an impact on our family currently is the fact that the world has basically one 'measure' to determine if a family/person is successful.

When that measure is held up against my DH and myself at the current time, we are failing miserably. That is painful not only for us but for our children and our extended family.

That measure is this: how much money a man/business makes and spends determines his success and thereby his 'worth'. More money made/spent = successful, good. Less money made/spent = nonsuccessful, bad(for lack of a better word).

One example. I have never understood why the amount of money that a state spends on a child's education is the best measure of how good an education that child is getting. Utah consistently ranks in the bottom of the pile based on that measure. It would seem to me that any entity that can take a small(relative) amount of money and make it stretch and serve as many people as possible and have a high rate of return(graduates) would be considered a great success. In business it would surely work that way. Why not in education? But for some reason, it is touted that more money spent means that a state/school/district is doing better than one who spends less. I don't get it. Probably never will.

Same thing can apply to a family. We have been a one income family for a long time who has tried not to spend money frivolously. We don't take fancy trips, we don't own new vehicles, we don't go to movies or buy recreational vehicles. We live a very simple, family-based life. By the world's measure we are not good parents because our children do not have their own bedrooms, we do not give them every toy/electronic device they want, we will not be able to pay for their college educations, etc. Heaven forbid they should have to work themselves through school. However, they are good kids who are making good choices, we get along very well most of the time with very little anger in our home. There is much music, laughter and fun. As my children get older, they are exposed to more people and different families. My oldest just returned from a mission and thanked DH and I for the home he grew up in. Said he had no idea how many people lived in a home where joy and love were not a part of life. He was so thankful that our home had had fun, joy and that the Gospel was a focus.

I realize that to the world it looks like my DH and I have made some very poor choices, i.e., not getting a college degree, having 8 children, having mom stay at home. What they don't realize is that all of those decisions were not made lightly, but with thoughts of trying to follow the counsel of the prophets and trying to follow the inspiration of the Spirit to do what was best for our family.

The day that my DH went to pick our oldest son up from the daycare center(another societal norm I had swallowed at that point in my life) and found him crying in a corner, in a very stinky diaper, while the 'workers' chatted away ignoring the children, was the day that school went out the window. We chose our children over a higher education.

It seems that perhaps events have coincided to make it possible, even necessary, for him to return to school now. The best part? He is a different man now with different goals. We have different goals as a family. Now he is going back to get a degree in a field where he has great talent and abilities that he did not want to acknowledge before and would not have chosen because it is not as lucrative. He is getting a degree in education and a teaching certificate. This man has a way with people, children in particular, and can be a force for good in many lives this way. A much different goal than the one we had 20 years ago. Money. Yup, we had swallowed that societal norm/measure whole.

Over the years experience has taught us that money does not equal success. We have learned that we would much rather measure ourselves by a different measure. We think that a better measure would be: success equals following our Savior and our Father and doing our part to build up the kingdom of God on the earth. Building a strong family culture. Serving those around us the best we can. Having enough money to care for ourselves and help others as we can is important, but it is no longer the focus. It does not determine what we study, who our friends are, how we raise our children, the number of children we have or how we spend our time. It's just a tool to be used with wisdom and judgement in this life. If we stretch it as far as possible to serve as many people as possible, isn't that good?

Why I do what I do

That title makes me think of Fiddler on the Roof.....

Why do we do what we do?

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot in the last few years. Now I wonder why I didn't ask it of myself sooner. So much time gone that would have been better spent if I had.

I've decided that it all boils down to one thing.

TRADITION!!

That begs another question. Whose tradition? And where did those traditions come from?

When I really started asking myself why I did certain things, the only answers I could come up with were "it's what we've always done" or "everyone is doing it, so it must be right". For me it began with wondering why we just accepted public schooling as the norm and from there I have begun questioning e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. And wondering why I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker!

Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. Colossians 2:8

That's why I swallowed it. I was spoiled through the philosophies and deceit of men's traditions, or as I like to call them, 'societal norms'.

I am not trying to say that all 'traditions' are bad. Tradition is a very important tool to help bind people together, particularly families. What would Christmas be without traditions?? However, I have decided that I do not like the fact that I have been conditioned by our society to accept certain 'norms'. It makes me angry to think how my agency has been removed from me in many ways. I think that from this point on in my life I will always go kicking and screaming when anyone tells me I 'have' to do something. I want to know why. I want to know the reasons behind the societal norms. This has become my main educational focus right now for myself. To look at all areas of my life and see how we've been conditioned and to examine, research, study and come up with my own 'norms' or truths. I will no longer accept societal conditioning and have come to know that nearly all these conditionings were never for our good.

And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and because of the tradition of their fathers. Doc & Cov 93:39

The conditioning that we have been subjected to has led us away from light and truth and caused us to be disobedient. It's all in Satan's plan to destroy as many of God's children as he can. And he has lots of helpers on this earth doing the conditioning for him.

In some future writings I will share how I, and by extension, my family, am bucking the 'norms' society has put in place.

*note-If you're wondering if I'm including religion in this questioning, the answer is no. I have already gained my own testimony of Christ as my savior. I'm thinking that getting at the truth in other areas of life ought to be a similar search, ponder and pray routine. Not just an acceptance of what we are told by others. In fact, we are encouraged to gain our own testimony, and not to rely on the testimony of parents, friends, missionaries etc. That being said, there is no doubt that there are some 'norms' in the LDS faith that are just traditions and have little to do with the actual truth. Those I have questioned as to whether they are needful for our family. Some we continue, some we don't.

Core Phase Summer

I wanted to write about some of the things rattling through my brain, but I just can't seem to find the time to write about serious things. I am still working on them in my head, but I wanted to post anyway.

During the last year, with so many changes in our family life, it became apparent that this summer was going to be a bit of a challenge. Due to the fact that Dad was not living with us full time from Aug to April, and Mom was often overwhelmed parenting 7 kids alone, some very bad habits were acquired by all of us during that time.

Mom would 'shut down' every night after dinner. No reading to kids, no playing, no nothing. Mostly just vegging in front of the computer or hiding in her bedroom, reading her own books.

The teenaged children would either 'hole up' in their rooms, reading or listening to music or sleeping, or be gone from the house with friends til late.

The younger children were left to fend for themselves and went from room to room creating havoc wherever they went. The bickering and quarreling were constant.

No one did their jobs on their own initiative. It usually required Mom losing her temper to get anyone to move and do anything. The most frustrating part was the fact that the kids would declare they didn't even know what the jobs were, when we've had the same basic daily jobs for years now.

So when the family was finally reunited this spring, Mom and Dad decided that we were going to have a Core Phase Summer. We were going to go back and focus on learning to obey, to work, to be responsible for that work and to contribute to the running of this household. Also to be trustworthy, honest and have integrity in all we do.

We have implemented a 'points system' taken from a pamphlet by LaDawn Jacob. I hesitated to go back to 'job charts' as I much prefer a 'family work' approach endorsed by Donna Goff and Kathleen Bahr. The trouble was that no one was participating willingly in the family work and mom was getting that Old Martyr Syndrome again. We decided that the charts would be used short term (summer) to help kids 'see' their responsibilities and be accountable to mark them for the work done.

So far, it's a mixed response. There are some kids who are not marking their charts even though they do the work and therefore they are not earning any points. Mom has to be vigilant in checking up on jobs done to make sure charts aren't being marked for jobs not done. Points can be converted into money for school needs or minutes of screen time. I'm hoping that as the summer continues they will see the value of doing the work AND marking their charts.

We've had to take a hard stand with some of them. We've had to use the Little Red Hen story to illustrate that if they do not help out around here they will not participate in the bounties of the work. It's very hard to deny a child the ability to sit at the table and eat dinner with the family for not doing any of their work that day. (They are provided simple food and drink so no one is starving.) It has however opened their eyes to the fact that we are very serious about what we are trying to teach them about working and contributing to the cause.

Wish I had known 10-15 years ago what I understand now about the importance of teaching these life basics to my kids. My older boys would not have to be shifting gears in their thinking at 16 and 17. But it's never too late and we will not shirk our responsibility as parents, even though it's hard to start over by unlearning old habits and learning new ones. As with all good things, the work will be worth the final product.