tender mercies, inspired leaders and direction

I want to write about an experience I had this summer. When I was in Arizona with my mom I got a call from the Stake Executive Secretary who set up an appt. for me to visit with the Stake President. Of course, I wondered what it was all about, wondering if I was going to get a new calling and what it might be if I did.

We got back from Arizona on Saturday and I went to my appt on Sunday evening. He invited me into his office and we small talked for a minute. Then he said he'd tell me why he'd called me in. He said that he'd seen me in a meeting and had a feeling and concern about me, wondering how I was doing. He didn't pursue it until he saw me again at another meeting and again felt that same concern and decided he would talk with me and see if I was ok. He asked me if I was ok and said he really didn't know why he had this concern but that he felt he should check on me. I was a bit bewildered and told him that I was fine and that everything was good. As we talked I did share with him that the last couple of years have been very hard with things that have occurred in this town that have created some uncomfortable feelings. That Curtis was really hard hit and that it was hard to watch him struggle. He shared with me that with some events in his own family, he had come to the point of learning to not say anything if it wasn't positive. That words so easily spoken have so much power to cause damage. He also said that he felt impressed to tell me that Heavenly Father was very pleased with my efforts to be a good person and a good mother. That the work I am doing in my home is the most important thing I could be doing and that he was grateful I was willing to do it.
I left his office with the same calling, (in church and at home) and a full heart from the message that an in-tune leader shared with me from my Heavenly Father.

When I got home I shared what had occurred with Curtis and he said that it was probably his fault. I told him it was probably my leaky tear-duct's fault. It seems that I cannot get through a church meeting anymore without tears and I've given up wearing mascara on my lower eyelashes. But Curtis shared with me that he had noticed me struggling lately with myself and that he had received a strong approval from the Spirit in the temple in regards to himself and so he had prayed for me to have a similar experience. He said he thought it would just occur in the temple, not through the Stake Pres. What a wonderful, loving husband I have. I'm so, so, SO grateful for his concern and love for me and that he actually prays for my benefit.

The struggle I've had lately has been seeing all the cool 'things' that people are doing and displaying on Instagram and FB, whether they are selling them or not. One of the things I've felt I've lost over the years is my creativity, and I've been wanting to rediscover it and for some reason I felt that it needed to be in a way that could be shared and possibly marketed. That for me to be creative just for creativity's sake and for my own fulfillment wouldn't be enough. That it had to be bigger, something that was unique to me and that I could sell. And I felt very inadequate to come up with something that fit that bill.

So this experience of talking to Pres. Lewis and to Curtis and the whispers of the Spirit to me, confirming what they shared with me have led me to question why I'm even having this struggle...

Then, I read this quote on a blog I've been reading for a few years, and Karen's words
 spoke to my heart/regarding me finding 'my thing'/trying to do what I see everyone else doing...

Then there's money. Everything seems to be about money. Go to school so you can make money.  Improve your talents so you can sell them. Market yourself. Find your passion so you can make money with it so you can travel and live your dreams.

Me, me, me. It's exhausting. And it's so hard not to get caught up in the fray... "What if being a mother is not enough?" I start to wonder when I get on facebook and see this message almost everywhere I look.

Whatever happened to loosing yourself in service, "freely you have received, freely give", "inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least these..."

Not that making money is bad. Just when it becomes the motivation for doing what we do. Christ should be our motivation - money is just one of the outcomes we'll be blessed with if it would be good for us and those around us. If I'm having a hard time looking beyond this message to what is really true (that nothing matters more than motherhood; and that worth or influence is not measured by the number of followers I have or the amount of likes) then how can I hope my children see beyond it?

I'm also tired of the constant pressure to pull my family in lots of different directions. "Each child had a unique talent they must pursue at all cost and sacrifice..." so each child is away from his family most of the day "pursuing their talents" - by the time a child is in his teens, family ties are weakest just when they need to be strongest.

Family time needs to be guarded diligently. We shouldn't be so overscheduled that there is no family time during the day.  Electronic devices need to be put away for family time each day. But I digress...

It's been about a month or so since I read this and had this experience and I've come to the conclusion that my focus should still be on mothering (and grandmothering) and that while it's great for me to spend time to rediscover my creative side, it does not need to be for the purpose of marketing whatever it is I choose to do, for making money. That I can be creative for the fun of it, to share with people, to make my life more full. That I can find my 'thing' or the 'thing that I'm known for ' and it can just be that I'm known for it within my own family.

I'm grateful to know that I am not wasting my time or my life by being 'just a mom'. I feel so blessed to have received this tender mercy from the Lord. He is aware of us and our troubles and desires to bless us. He uses those who will listen to bless His children.

My PT Sub job

When school started back after Christmas break I started a small part-time job subbing as a janitor at the high school. It's a semi-permanent sub job, at least through the end of this school year. So this is what I do every day of the week. I empty all the big trash cans in the hall, clean the fountains, clean all the entrance doors and sweep the halls. It's just 2 hours a day. It took me a while to figure out how it was going to work best for me, but what it has come to is that I do 1-1.25 hrs after school and then go in at about 6 in the morning and finish up. That way it doesn't interfere too much with family time and when I get up early and go in no one even misses me.
I've discovered that I like a job that allows me to work quietly. I put in my earphones and work away.
I like having the extra income. It has allowed me to get some things for the house/family that were needed but always at the bottom of the priority list, like new bathroom rugs. It also allows me to have a bit of money to spend without feeling guilty.
I was so sad when my vacation rental cleaning job ended and missed the extra money. This has been a nice blessing. Funny how Heavenly Father works things out for his children. Closes a door but opens another, if we can be patient and wait on His timing.

cleaning fountains every day….sometimes they only stay clean for 2 minutes.

This is my view every day…Lots of orange and black

I listen to Pandora most of the time. I like this station that plays music from my high school and college days. I also like the Adele station as well as listening to audio shows on the Mormon Channel.

Spoken to through music....

In the last 18 months or so I have come to the realization that Heavenly Father often uses music to speak to me, to answer prayers and to comfort me. I wanted to record a few examples that have occurred in that time frame. 

~In August of 2013, I was released from my YW calling. I knew it was coming, I'd been in there for 3 years, so it was time. When I went into my appt with the bishop for a new calling he mentioned that he had a lot of changes to make. I figured I would get a Pirmary calling, maybe to team teach with my mom, or into the presidency as they had been in as long as I had been in YW. I never expected to hear the words that next came out of the Bishop's mouth! 
He looked at me and said he was extending a call to me to be the choir director for the ward. I sat there, dumbfounded. I'm sure my mouth was open. When he asked me if I could accept that call I struggled to find my voice and then said, 'But, Bishop, I don't know anything about leading music.' He asked me if I played the piano, and I told him I did but only for myself, that I couldn't play when people sing and I wasn't every good at all. He told me that he knew I could figure this out and do it. He again asked if I would accept the call and I tearfully told him I would try. I have never felt so inadequate for a calling before. Of course, they haven't called me to play the piano or organ and that would be even worse. 

Over the next few weeks, I cried every week in Church. I could feel the Bishop's eyes on me,(cause we sit in the front) and at one point he even gave a lesson in RS about accepting and magnifying our callings. I know it was directed to me. I didn't start practices right away, true to my energy type, I needed to do some research and see if I could teach myself to lead music before holding a practice. After about a month, with inquiries from the bishop and the pianist, I was starting to feel the pressure to get going with practice, I had no idea what to sing and to make matters worse, we were asked to provide the music for the upcoming stake conference. Oh, my stomach!!!

As I thumbed through the hymnbook and pondered different songs throughout my days, one line from one song kept coming into my head. I didn't even know the name of the song at first, although it was a familiar tune and I liked it. As it kept coming to me, I started to pay attention to it and realized that it was a Tabernacle Choir version that was running through my head. I decided that it would be very appropriate for our first song as well as to sing in Stake Conference. The song was Praise To The Lord, The Almighty. As we began practicing the song, (so thankful for the faithful people who support the choir and diligently come sing and put up with my poor music-leading skills!) I realized that the line of the song that had been running through my head was not only a clue about what song to sing, but was the Lord's words of comfort to me. The line was "ponder anew, what the Almighty can do, who with His love doth befriend thee".

He knew how I was struggling to accept and do this calling, how inadequate I felt and how scared I was and he was telling me to rely on him. What could not be done with the love and help of The Lord? I knew then that I would be able to get through this calling with his help and hopefully learn some new skills in the process. That was really so comforting to me and I loved hearing the choir share that message in Stake Conference, which happened to be my music-leading debut! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because when I stood to lead I could only see the faces of my ward choir friends and with their help and the Lord's I got through that and am still learning and growing in this calling. 

He has helped me with music a couple of other times, most recently our Easter song. Often he will put a tune or line of music into my head and when I really notice it's constancy I know its one we need to sing in Choir. I have enjoyed finding songs or arrangements that are not the standard or as well known. That part of the calling has been very fun for me. And I appreciate his little clues to them.

~The next significant time that The Lord used music to help me was in January. I had been working at the school, helping do bathroom cleaning because of medical issues of one of the regular workers, and at that time I was really in the doldrums about my life. I was feeling like I'd lost myself somewhere over the years and wondering if my life would ever be more than just being a mom, or cleaning up after everyone. Satan had really been doing a number on me, making me question my life's choices. 

One morning as I was mopping a floor and as I was listening to "Music with a Message' on the Mormon Channel, I heard a song that just stopped me in my tracks. It is by Jenny Jordan Frogley, (whose music I love) but I had never heard it before. It is titled In The Meantime. It was truly an answer to my searching, seeking soul that day and it has brought me much comfort and helped me find joy in my chosen path again. Here are the words:

In her heart she holds the dreams,
That she's carried since the day she turned thirteen.
Of all that she would be when she was grown,
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own.
She dreams she flies,
She's still waiting for the chance to try...

But in the meantime she's a mother and a daughter and a wife.
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind.
And she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life,
She doesn't know she's being molded and refined,
In the meantime.

Someday she'll go back to school.
When the car pools and the soccer games are through.
Cause deep inside she's still the girl,
Who's always felt the fight to make a difference in the world.
She dreams she'll soar,
When she finally has the time to do more...

But in the meantime she's a sister and a teacher and a friend.
Hours turn into days, that turn to years that never end.
And she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again,
She's becoming one on whom God can depend,
In the meantime.

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life,
and heaven hears her heart before she cries.
Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials,
She's becoming sanctified.

In the meantime she's an answer and a blessing and a gift,
to every empty, aching heart that only she can lift.
Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is,
If she could only see the mansion waiting there.
If she could only feel how much her father cares.
She would know she's being perfectly prepared,
In the meantime.    Jenny Jordan Frogley

I tearfully listened as I worked and I hoped and prayed it was true. That as I sacrificed to be a wife and mother, I was being molded and refined, one on whom God could depend, sanctified and perfectly prepared. I felt the truth of those words burn into my heart and in that moment I could let go of the pain and sadness I had been letting take over my heart. I've always known that God could and was making more of my life than I could make of it, this song just reaffirmed it to me in a morment of weakness and sadness. 

How thankful I am for music, for those who have a way of putting principles and truths into words and set them to music so that they can speak to my soul when it needs comforting. We have so much good music to listen to that teaches truth and brings the spirit into our lives and homes. What a blessing and resource our loving Father has provided for his children.

Sunset and rain clouds

This night the sunset was particularly amazing. We had just had a good rain storm, there was still lots of moisture in the air and the colors just didn't stop. They went all across the sky from horizon to horizon. I was a little leery of trying to capture the colors with my phone camera, but decided to give it a try. I cannot believe how well the colors show up. With no fancy filters or anything, just my iPhone.

I wanted it to stay forever. I was in Type 2 chroma heaven this night. All the colors in the sky were on my style guide, with the exception of the bright yellows and oranges. :)

Sometimes, I have had the feeling that I'm looking more through my spiritual eyes than my physical eyes and when I experience that, I see things more vividly, especially the colors. This night I didn't have that feeling, but the colors surely could have made me think I was. God is a master creator!!

The trees at the west edge of our driveway look like they are on fire!

Incredible colors-captured with my little iPhone. 

I wish the sky was always this color. 

The most interesting rainbow I've seen. My house was at the end of it!!