tender mercies, inspired leaders and direction

I want to write about an experience I had this summer. When I was in Arizona with my mom I got a call from the Stake Executive Secretary who set up an appt. for me to visit with the Stake President. Of course, I wondered what it was all about, wondering if I was going to get a new calling and what it might be if I did.

We got back from Arizona on Saturday and I went to my appt on Sunday evening. He invited me into his office and we small talked for a minute. Then he said he'd tell me why he'd called me in. He said that he'd seen me in a meeting and had a feeling and concern about me, wondering how I was doing. He didn't pursue it until he saw me again at another meeting and again felt that same concern and decided he would talk with me and see if I was ok. He asked me if I was ok and said he really didn't know why he had this concern but that he felt he should check on me. I was a bit bewildered and told him that I was fine and that everything was good. As we talked I did share with him that the last couple of years have been very hard with things that have occurred in this town that have created some uncomfortable feelings. That Curtis was really hard hit and that it was hard to watch him struggle. He shared with me that with some events in his own family, he had come to the point of learning to not say anything if it wasn't positive. That words so easily spoken have so much power to cause damage. He also said that he felt impressed to tell me that Heavenly Father was very pleased with my efforts to be a good person and a good mother. That the work I am doing in my home is the most important thing I could be doing and that he was grateful I was willing to do it.
I left his office with the same calling, (in church and at home) and a full heart from the message that an in-tune leader shared with me from my Heavenly Father.

When I got home I shared what had occurred with Curtis and he said that it was probably his fault. I told him it was probably my leaky tear-duct's fault. It seems that I cannot get through a church meeting anymore without tears and I've given up wearing mascara on my lower eyelashes. But Curtis shared with me that he had noticed me struggling lately with myself and that he had received a strong approval from the Spirit in the temple in regards to himself and so he had prayed for me to have a similar experience. He said he thought it would just occur in the temple, not through the Stake Pres. What a wonderful, loving husband I have. I'm so, so, SO grateful for his concern and love for me and that he actually prays for my benefit.

The struggle I've had lately has been seeing all the cool 'things' that people are doing and displaying on Instagram and FB, whether they are selling them or not. One of the things I've felt I've lost over the years is my creativity, and I've been wanting to rediscover it and for some reason I felt that it needed to be in a way that could be shared and possibly marketed. That for me to be creative just for creativity's sake and for my own fulfillment wouldn't be enough. That it had to be bigger, something that was unique to me and that I could sell. And I felt very inadequate to come up with something that fit that bill.

So this experience of talking to Pres. Lewis and to Curtis and the whispers of the Spirit to me, confirming what they shared with me have led me to question why I'm even having this struggle...

Then, I read this quote on a blog I've been reading for a few years, and Karen's words
 spoke to my heart/regarding me finding 'my thing'/trying to do what I see everyone else doing...

Then there's money. Everything seems to be about money. Go to school so you can make money.  Improve your talents so you can sell them. Market yourself. Find your passion so you can make money with it so you can travel and live your dreams.

Me, me, me. It's exhausting. And it's so hard not to get caught up in the fray... "What if being a mother is not enough?" I start to wonder when I get on facebook and see this message almost everywhere I look.

Whatever happened to loosing yourself in service, "freely you have received, freely give", "inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least these..."

Not that making money is bad. Just when it becomes the motivation for doing what we do. Christ should be our motivation - money is just one of the outcomes we'll be blessed with if it would be good for us and those around us. If I'm having a hard time looking beyond this message to what is really true (that nothing matters more than motherhood; and that worth or influence is not measured by the number of followers I have or the amount of likes) then how can I hope my children see beyond it?

I'm also tired of the constant pressure to pull my family in lots of different directions. "Each child had a unique talent they must pursue at all cost and sacrifice..." so each child is away from his family most of the day "pursuing their talents" - by the time a child is in his teens, family ties are weakest just when they need to be strongest.

Family time needs to be guarded diligently. We shouldn't be so overscheduled that there is no family time during the day.  Electronic devices need to be put away for family time each day. But I digress...

It's been about a month or so since I read this and had this experience and I've come to the conclusion that my focus should still be on mothering (and grandmothering) and that while it's great for me to spend time to rediscover my creative side, it does not need to be for the purpose of marketing whatever it is I choose to do, for making money. That I can be creative for the fun of it, to share with people, to make my life more full. That I can find my 'thing' or the 'thing that I'm known for ' and it can just be that I'm known for it within my own family.

I'm grateful to know that I am not wasting my time or my life by being 'just a mom'. I feel so blessed to have received this tender mercy from the Lord. He is aware of us and our troubles and desires to bless us. He uses those who will listen to bless His children.

My cousin, my friend

Kitty is my dad's cousin but she is my age. Her dad is Francis, who is my Grandpa Clyde's little brother. We did not become close until our 9th grade year in high school. Due to the 'feud' between the Barton men, we did not really know each other. We had not spent any time together as children. As our friendship grew, we had to keep it confined to school. My mom knew we were friends because she was a teacher, and I think she was happy, because she had never wanted her children to continue the 'feud". So we had lots of good times together, cruising Main, doing plays and drama competitions together, FHA. But we never could go to each other's houses or even really speak of each other at home.

It was what it was, but looking back, I just think how sad it is, to deprive cousins of knowing each other. Over things that, in the end, don't matter. I'm so thankful that we became friends because she saved my high school years I think. Her and Krista, Antoinette and Andrea.

I had been an outsider of the popular girls' group for years, just a hanger-on. But by 8th grade they had moved on and no longer let me be part of them. I was so lonely. Then Antoinette moved to town. And Krista started coming to school here instead of in Colorado. Then in 9th grade, Kitty and I began our friendship during our Algebra class. And Life Was Good!

The four of us even did our own thing after graduation because we did NOT want to go to Lake Powell with the rest of the class. We drove to Durango instead and spent the night and had a tourist day there together. Kitty, Krista and I went on to BYU and Antoinette went to SUU. We drifted apart over the years but thankfully have reestablished contact through FB.

I'm thankful that not only was Kitty my friend, but she's my cousin. We still have that tie that binds us together even though we don't see each other for years. She actually came to my house one morning a year or two ago and knocked on the door. I was so surprised to see her and she was unsure of her welcome but did it anyway. We hugged and cried and talked and talked. It made my day! I hope we can stay in touch and see each other occasionally.

Curtis and I get away

Last weekend, before Spring Break, Curtis and I had planned to take Ford, Shiala and Kami up to Orem to pick up their car that was up there being repaired. So on Friday evening we picked them up and headed north. We had not even gotten to Moab when Ford got a message from the mechanic that said they weren't able to have it ready for pick up yet, due to some problems with parts. So......

The crew in the back seat! Poor Kami was almost asleep at this point. 

The sunset, unfiltered, in Moab from the parking lot of the restaurant.

We stopped in Moab and decided to eat while we figured out what to do next. We had some yummy food at The Branding Iron and made arrangements for Cambria to drive to Wilson Arch to meet us and take them back to Monticello. Curtis and I had already reserved our hotel rooms so we decided to take the weekend and go anyway.

Shiala trying to decide what to order...so many yummy choices :)

Cute girl!

We got to Provo late and just enjoyed our weekend. We had no plans, Curtis just said I could do what I wanted and he would tag along, since I usually don't get to browse/shop when all the kids are in tow. I dragged him through Tai Pan Trading Co, where I found an awesome aqua blue cupcake stand and some fake lemons to put on it in my gray, aqua and yellow kitchen! I then also dragged him through Hobby Lobby and to the Wood Connection where I purchased a couple of items to paint.

On Saturday, we drove up to Riverton area to meet up with Jordan, Lindsey and Emerson who had come down to see Lindsey's sister's new baby. We met them at The Olive Garden and had a yummy dinner. It was very busy. Everywhere was busy. I'm thankful to be out of that rat race!

Emerson was having a good time poking at this little computer thing on the table...

On Sunday we went to Church with Nicole's family and spent the day with them. They are always so good to let us spend time with them. On Monday, we did a bit of Sam's Club shopping and then headed home. We stopped at Zupas in Spanish Fork for lunch before heading into the canyon. I was able to get my favorite salad and sandwich and chocolate-dipped strawberry! I love the Nuts About Berries salad and the Turkey Artichoke sandwich. Yummmm. Curtis was generous enough to also give me his strawberry. ;)

De-lish!

I'm sorry our plan to help Ford and Shiala out didn't work out, but I'm glad we were still able to go and enjoy our weekend. I love that my hubby is also my bestest friend and there is no one in the world I would rather spend time with than him. I'm thankful that after many long years of little kids in the house, I now have some old enough to take care of everyone and we can sneak away once in a while.

Life recently

Just a post of random happenings in my life...

A painting we found at Burlington Coat Factory for our bedroom..

I decided a few years ago that I needed a painting of a rowboat to put in my bedroom. It ties into one of my favorite songs that deals with marriage. It's called "Will You Row With Me?" and is written by Lynn Perry Christofferson and sung by Jenny Jordan Frogley and John McVey. I love the beautiful analogy of marriage as rowing a boat…

One line says, "There's no motor on this boat, no sail to catch the wind that's blowing, the only way to stay afloat is by two willing people, slowly rowing." And another that I love is "If ever we should start to drift, uncertain where our boat is going, there's no need to abandon ship, but just resume our slow and steady rowing." Oh, if only people understood that's how marriage works! 

Anyway, I decided that I wanted to use the rowboat analogy as decor in my bedroom, so I have been looking for a rowboat painting and this one was perfect, even down to the colors! Now I need to put some of the lyrics on a canvas and hang them up. I'm so excited!!

Here are the full lyrics because I want to preserve them and pass them on to my descendants as my marriage counsel! And here is a link to a Youtube video of it...https://youtu.be/4PBr-BYnudA

Will You Row With Me

by Lynn Perry Christofferson

Sung by Jenny Jordan Frogley and John McVey

Will you row with me? Shall we cross the sea together?

Will you go with me on a voyage that will last forever?

Will you sit there by my side, take an oar, and start to pull and glide?

Are you ready for the ride? Will you row with me?

Oh, there's no motor on this boat, no sail to catch the wind that's blowing. 

The only way to stay afloat, is by two willing people slowly rowing.

Will you row with me? Shall we cross the sea together?

Will you go with me on a voyage that will last forever?

It may take some time to grow accustomed to the ebb and flow, still I'm hoping you will go.

Will you row with me?

If ever we should start to drift, uncertain where our boat is going,

There's no need to abandon ship. We'll just resume our slow and steady rowing.

Will you row with me?

This isn't a race, so there's no need to be in a hurry,

As long as we can row together it will be a thrilling journey.

Will you row with me? Shall we cross the sea together?

Will you go with me on a voyage that will last forever?

Oh, I need to know. Will you go with me on a voyage? 

Will you row?

Spent some time in Feb working at the Book Fair during Parent Teacher Conferences. That's one of my usual volunteer gigs at the elementary school. Maybe once James is in school I can be more involved. Or maybe not. We'll see.

Had to bust out the sewing machine and repair the knees in lots of jeans. Hopefully, they will last to the end of the school year. Then we can cut them off for shorts! I really don't like sewing. As the daughter of a Home Ec teacher, that's blasphemous, but it's true. So I rarely sew, unless it's expedient, which this was. Sew or buy new jeans? That was the question. Sewing won this time!

I've found that with the advent of my smart phone and the ability to read blogs and play games, I just don't read books as much as I used to. I hate that. So I went to the library and I found this book. I have read and loved all of Tony Hillerman's Navajo novels and was sad when he passed away. But it looks like his daughter has taken on his characters and this is the first of her books. And I liked it a lot! I thought she did a great job with it. I loved that it was from a female officer's perspective this time. Maybe I'll start reading paper and ink again! 

I wish I knew some of what my ancestors had liked, spent their time doing, or thought deep thoughts about. So, this is random but maybe someday, someone will find it interesting!

Country living (AKA We are Rednecks)

Winter really seems to drag on here, or at least the cold does....
By about Feb/March we start to get a little cabin fever and long to get outside.

On this day, Charlie asked me if he could shoot the BB gun. It must have felt warm, since he chose to wear shorts. My younger kids have to have a bigger person (16+) with them when they shoot so I agreed to go outside with him for a while. A SHORT while. It didn't feel all that warm to me, even as I sat on the south side of the house in the little corner by the chimney where no wind was blowing.

Charlie had grabbed some cans to shoot at and he set them up and began knocking them down.

He begins with his gun lowered and slowly raises the tip to aim. It's kind of funny to watch him. He has also struggled with which eye to close when he's aiming. But I think he must have that figured out because his shooting is becoming much more accurate.

Then Soren joined in the fun...

We do have more than one BB gun so that no one has to wait for a turn. 

Still working with them on not pointing a gun at anyone, or the house or cars, and to keep their finger off the trigger unless they are actually aiming at their target. It's a lengthy process, a work in progress.

Then, Cambria joined in and began shooting down all the targets before the boys had much of a chance to hit any. They better learn to cock the gun a bit quicker.

I'm thankful that we live on the edge of town so that this kind of activity can occur in our yard. We want our kids to grow up having a knowledge of the use of guns as well as a respect for them. We don't want them to be scared of them, but to know how to use and handle them properly and safely. I guess that liking this type of activity might make us rednecks, but so be it!

My PT Sub job

When school started back after Christmas break I started a small part-time job subbing as a janitor at the high school. It's a semi-permanent sub job, at least through the end of this school year. So this is what I do every day of the week. I empty all the big trash cans in the hall, clean the fountains, clean all the entrance doors and sweep the halls. It's just 2 hours a day. It took me a while to figure out how it was going to work best for me, but what it has come to is that I do 1-1.25 hrs after school and then go in at about 6 in the morning and finish up. That way it doesn't interfere too much with family time and when I get up early and go in no one even misses me.
I've discovered that I like a job that allows me to work quietly. I put in my earphones and work away.
I like having the extra income. It has allowed me to get some things for the house/family that were needed but always at the bottom of the priority list, like new bathroom rugs. It also allows me to have a bit of money to spend without feeling guilty.
I was so sad when my vacation rental cleaning job ended and missed the extra money. This has been a nice blessing. Funny how Heavenly Father works things out for his children. Closes a door but opens another, if we can be patient and wait on His timing.

cleaning fountains every day….sometimes they only stay clean for 2 minutes.

This is my view every day…Lots of orange and black

I listen to Pandora most of the time. I like this station that plays music from my high school and college days. I also like the Adele station as well as listening to audio shows on the Mormon Channel.

Winter at 7000 feet above Sea Level

We have had a pretty good winter this year and have gotten good amounts of snow…. so needed!

Love when the clouds sink low and cover the mountain in their white blanket...

don't love the COLD that comes with winter. Especially when you add the wind.

12 degrees. Feels like….  -6 degrees! What?!?

However I do like how the wind carves the snow into interesting patterns.

It's like looking at how the wind makes patterns in the sand...

But still. The COLD!

1 degree. Feels like  -13 degrees. Sigh.

Reflecting

Recently, I read the whole blog called Cling To Courage, written by Mari, who lost her husband to pulmonary embolism in 2014. I had found her blog shortly after her husband, Charles, passed away and read the current posts. For some reason last fall, I felt that I needed to reread those posts and as I read, I felt like I should back-read her whole blog to get a better sense of her story.

As I reread her posts outlining Charles' last day, I was filled with gratitude that my story with pulmonary embolism turned out so differently. I am thankful to still be here on this earth to raise my children and see them move on with their own lives. I did not experience the horrible pain she described him having. In fact, I felt sort of silly going in to the doctor because I was sure they would tell me it was gas, to go home and take some antacid. I remember thinking as they drove me in the ambulance to the airport for the flight to Provo, that I just didn't feel bad enough to be in a life and death situation. I am thankful, after reading her story, that I was spared that pain.

As I have reflected on my experience compared to Charles' experience I came to one conclusion. I was told by my doctor after finishing up my regimen of Warfarin or Coumadin, that I should take a baby aspirin every day to help keep my blood a bit thinner. I bought one bottle and took most of it before deciding, (consciously?), that I didn't need it. But I have felt impressed that I need to begin doing that again. So I've bought another bottle of baby aspirin and I've been very diligent to take one every day.

You never know when your time is at an end. But I want to try to do what I can to live as healthily as possible while I'm still here. I know that if Heavenly Father wants to call me home, a baby aspirin a day is no obstacle for Him, but I will do what I can to prevent another clot or embolism from happening. It's just not worth the risk, when a small daily dose can help keep my blood thin. I have also been told that if I ever have another clot or embolism that I will be put on Coumadin for life. I DO NOT want that. Baby aspirin is now my friend.

Good Things:
Sunshine
Heaters that work
Children who love and care for their siblings

The Trip that Never Ends (and what I learned from it)

What started out at as a quick up-n-back trip to Idaho to get Cambria's car turned into the "trip that never ends, Yes, it goes on and on my friends...."

Curtis, Cambria and I loaded up the trailer and headed off to Idaho on Friday. We went by way of Logan because Cambria had a tour set up at the Paul Mitchell School in Logan and she wanted to see Mary, her Bullfrog roomie and bestie. She thought she might be interested in the Aesthetician program at Paul Mitchell but after being there she decided it wasn't for her. We went to Mary's apartment and then we all went to a yogurt place to get a treat and visit for a bit. That put us getting to Rexburg kind of late, but we finally got there. 

On Saturday, we loaded up the Subaru and said goodbye to Jordan, Lindsey and Emerson and headed back down the road. Curtis noticed a light about the brakes as we were getting to the freeway in Rexburg. He pulled over and checked everything he could think of to check and it all looked ok, so we pulled onto the freeway and headed south. We only made it halfway to Idaho Falls before he could tell there were real issues with our brakes so we slowly made our way into IF to have it looked at. (Walmart does not do brakes. Just an FYI ;) ) We called Jordan for a shop recommendation because he has a job driving parts for an auto parts store. We ended up at the Big-O Tire in Idaho Falls. We unhitched the trailer, locked up the Subaru, and went to get a bite to eat while they looked at it. When we got back they explained what it was and that they could not fix it until Monday because they didn't have the parts and there was no way to get them on Saturday. So we called Jordan and he came to IF to get us. 

**Here's where the lesson learned part is. I had only packed a clean shirt and socks and overnight bag. I didn't even have a change of underwear. We were just going to be in the car! I didn't need to shower just to ride another 8 hrs in the car! UGH!!  So we went shopping. Thankfully, there is a Deseret Book in Rexburg with a distribution in it and I was able to get some more underwear. And then Nina and I went shopping for something to wear to church. We found some things at DownEast and Shoes at Payless. Curtis found what he needed also. Whew! 

So we spent an unexpected weekend with Jordan and Lindsey. It was fun to get to know Emerson. We went to a laundromat to wash our few clothes, we watched a lot of TV. We couldn't really go anywhere because we couldn't all fit in Jordan's car. We even had to do two trips to the church to get us all there...

On Monday, we found out that the parts could not be found locally. The problem was one that they had never encountered before and the parts were not ones they generally have on hand. They had to be ordered and overnighted and that put us leaving on Tuesday. More lounging around at Jordan's apartment. 

On Tuesday, we found that only one of the needed parts was delivered. The other one just disappeared. It was put on the truck in SLC, but it wasn't there to be delivered in IF. ugh! It had to be ordered and overnighted again. This time we had already had Jordan drop us off in IF because we were sure it would be ready, so we just got a hotel and stayed in IF for the night. Fish and unexpected company starts to stink after 3 days. It was nice to sleep in a bed, and not on a blow-up mattress. 

On Wednesday, the car was finally ready to go and we were able to get on the road again. What a difference good brakes make. We are so thankful that we were able to learn about the problem at a place where we could still get it looked at and not be down the road hundreds of miles in the middle of nowhere, having caused a wreck when they went out. Especially pulling a car on a trailer. We could have really had a bad situation and I truly feel like Heavenly Father was looking out for us. Even though it was a crazy trip and cost a lot of $ unexpectedly, it was fun to have this 'adventure' with Curtis and Cambria. 

Thanks to Jordan and Lindsey for housing and feeding us.

Thanks to Ford and Shiala for taking care of the other kids for us. I felt so bad every day when I had to text Shiala and say "won't be home today."

Cambria found a railcar behind BigO with her initials on it

Emerson is such a cute boy! He eventually got used to us. That was another great perk of this trip.
More time getting to know him.

He was kind of fascinated by Grandpa's beard...

He was starting to get the walking thing down...

But crawling was still his faster method of travel.

Have to share a tip...stop at the Flying J truckstop near McCammon Idaho when you head up I15 to Pocatello. It's a big truck stop, but the best part of it is the Cinnabon shop right in the middle of it! I got a yummy thing that was all cinnamon roll middles with extra frosting. Oh. My.

We decided that it's a must stop on the Idaho trip. It's like stopping at Farson for ice cream when you go to Cowley and Cody, Wyoming. MMMmmmmmm.

bowl of yummy sweetness

not sure what this plant was but the yellow blossoms were pretty

We are finally good to go! 

Thanks Big O. The guys there were great to work with and gave us very good service, including dropping us off and picking us up at our hotel.
If you're ever in Idaho Falls and need car work done, this is the place to go!
It's on the old Yellowstone Highway.

30 Year Class Reunion

My high school class had a 30 year reunion get-together on the 23rd of July at Circle Park. I debated about going. Wasn't sure I wanted to, so I didn't sign up to go, but I guess my curiosity got the better of me and I also thought it would be pretty lame to live in town and not go. So I just showed up after they'd already eaten lunch.

And I'm so glad I went.

It was actually a very good experience. In high school, I was the youngest person in my class and never quite felt like I was a part of it, or fit in. But, thankfully, 30 years after we graduated, I finally felt ok to be me and be there with them. I no longer felt like an outsider or unwanted. Everyone was very kind and it was fun visiting with them all and learning how they are doing. One girl came up to me and apologized in person (She already had over the internet) for filling my car with hay and dish soap our senior year. We hugged and I told her that it meant a lot to me that she would own up to it and apologize. She said it had bugged her for years. I told her that I had done/said things I wish I could take back and that thankfully we grow up and become better people.

It was very healing. I felt a genuine love for all of these people who I had struggled so much with in my high school years. It surprised me and I was very thankful that I decided to go.

Unfortunately, not many people from our already small class attended. 12-13 out of 45ish. Kind of sad. And I was the only one who lives in town who did attend.

top L-R: Cinnamon Christensen, Gwenaley Redd, Shelly Calvert, Shelly Deeter
Front L-R: Kitty Barton, David Butterfield, Danny Rouse, Jodi Schaugaard, Kolene Black, Shelly Utley, Melonie Peterson, Kassie Barton

Melanie's husband was there with his camera and took the class pictures and also offered to take any other pictures desired. I grabbed Kitty and I think he got a great shot of us. I think I even see some family resemblance! I love her and I'm glad we're more than friends. We're family!

Kitty and Kassie
'kuzzins' 

CHEERFUL-One Little Word 2015

As I wrote earlier, I chose Cheerful as my 'one little word' for 2015. I decided I needed a visual to remind every day of my goal. 

I found a quote based on Proverbs 15:13 that I really liked. So I printed it out in my new kitchen colors, added the smiley face bead, and it sits in my kitchen window where I will see it multiple times a day. Here's to a more cheerful 2015 :)

Spoken to through music....

In the last 18 months or so I have come to the realization that Heavenly Father often uses music to speak to me, to answer prayers and to comfort me. I wanted to record a few examples that have occurred in that time frame. 

~In August of 2013, I was released from my YW calling. I knew it was coming, I'd been in there for 3 years, so it was time. When I went into my appt with the bishop for a new calling he mentioned that he had a lot of changes to make. I figured I would get a Pirmary calling, maybe to team teach with my mom, or into the presidency as they had been in as long as I had been in YW. I never expected to hear the words that next came out of the Bishop's mouth! 
He looked at me and said he was extending a call to me to be the choir director for the ward. I sat there, dumbfounded. I'm sure my mouth was open. When he asked me if I could accept that call I struggled to find my voice and then said, 'But, Bishop, I don't know anything about leading music.' He asked me if I played the piano, and I told him I did but only for myself, that I couldn't play when people sing and I wasn't every good at all. He told me that he knew I could figure this out and do it. He again asked if I would accept the call and I tearfully told him I would try. I have never felt so inadequate for a calling before. Of course, they haven't called me to play the piano or organ and that would be even worse. 

Over the next few weeks, I cried every week in Church. I could feel the Bishop's eyes on me,(cause we sit in the front) and at one point he even gave a lesson in RS about accepting and magnifying our callings. I know it was directed to me. I didn't start practices right away, true to my energy type, I needed to do some research and see if I could teach myself to lead music before holding a practice. After about a month, with inquiries from the bishop and the pianist, I was starting to feel the pressure to get going with practice, I had no idea what to sing and to make matters worse, we were asked to provide the music for the upcoming stake conference. Oh, my stomach!!!

As I thumbed through the hymnbook and pondered different songs throughout my days, one line from one song kept coming into my head. I didn't even know the name of the song at first, although it was a familiar tune and I liked it. As it kept coming to me, I started to pay attention to it and realized that it was a Tabernacle Choir version that was running through my head. I decided that it would be very appropriate for our first song as well as to sing in Stake Conference. The song was Praise To The Lord, The Almighty. As we began practicing the song, (so thankful for the faithful people who support the choir and diligently come sing and put up with my poor music-leading skills!) I realized that the line of the song that had been running through my head was not only a clue about what song to sing, but was the Lord's words of comfort to me. The line was "ponder anew, what the Almighty can do, who with His love doth befriend thee".

He knew how I was struggling to accept and do this calling, how inadequate I felt and how scared I was and he was telling me to rely on him. What could not be done with the love and help of The Lord? I knew then that I would be able to get through this calling with his help and hopefully learn some new skills in the process. That was really so comforting to me and I loved hearing the choir share that message in Stake Conference, which happened to be my music-leading debut! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because when I stood to lead I could only see the faces of my ward choir friends and with their help and the Lord's I got through that and am still learning and growing in this calling. 

He has helped me with music a couple of other times, most recently our Easter song. Often he will put a tune or line of music into my head and when I really notice it's constancy I know its one we need to sing in Choir. I have enjoyed finding songs or arrangements that are not the standard or as well known. That part of the calling has been very fun for me. And I appreciate his little clues to them.

~The next significant time that The Lord used music to help me was in January. I had been working at the school, helping do bathroom cleaning because of medical issues of one of the regular workers, and at that time I was really in the doldrums about my life. I was feeling like I'd lost myself somewhere over the years and wondering if my life would ever be more than just being a mom, or cleaning up after everyone. Satan had really been doing a number on me, making me question my life's choices. 

One morning as I was mopping a floor and as I was listening to "Music with a Message' on the Mormon Channel, I heard a song that just stopped me in my tracks. It is by Jenny Jordan Frogley, (whose music I love) but I had never heard it before. It is titled In The Meantime. It was truly an answer to my searching, seeking soul that day and it has brought me much comfort and helped me find joy in my chosen path again. Here are the words:

In her heart she holds the dreams,
That she's carried since the day she turned thirteen.
Of all that she would be when she was grown,
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own.
She dreams she flies,
She's still waiting for the chance to try...

But in the meantime she's a mother and a daughter and a wife.
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind.
And she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life,
She doesn't know she's being molded and refined,
In the meantime.

Someday she'll go back to school.
When the car pools and the soccer games are through.
Cause deep inside she's still the girl,
Who's always felt the fight to make a difference in the world.
She dreams she'll soar,
When she finally has the time to do more...

But in the meantime she's a sister and a teacher and a friend.
Hours turn into days, that turn to years that never end.
And she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again,
She's becoming one on whom God can depend,
In the meantime.

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life,
and heaven hears her heart before she cries.
Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials,
She's becoming sanctified.

In the meantime she's an answer and a blessing and a gift,
to every empty, aching heart that only she can lift.
Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is,
If she could only see the mansion waiting there.
If she could only feel how much her father cares.
She would know she's being perfectly prepared,
In the meantime.    Jenny Jordan Frogley

I tearfully listened as I worked and I hoped and prayed it was true. That as I sacrificed to be a wife and mother, I was being molded and refined, one on whom God could depend, sanctified and perfectly prepared. I felt the truth of those words burn into my heart and in that moment I could let go of the pain and sadness I had been letting take over my heart. I've always known that God could and was making more of my life than I could make of it, this song just reaffirmed it to me in a morment of weakness and sadness. 

How thankful I am for music, for those who have a way of putting principles and truths into words and set them to music so that they can speak to my soul when it needs comforting. We have so much good music to listen to that teaches truth and brings the spirit into our lives and homes. What a blessing and resource our loving Father has provided for his children.

The tender mercies and answered prayers

I have always been thankful to have have my prayers answered and know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my needs. Lately, however, I have noticed that not only are they answered but they are answered in very specific to me ways. Ways that I can really see that he knows and LOVES me, because they are such personal answers.

Here are a few recent examples:
1- Lately I've been feeling very unsettled, frustrated and just a general feeling of discontent with my life. I was beginning to wonder where Kassie had disappeared to. Wondering if my life would ever be more than just my role as a mom. I felt I had lost myself somewhere along the way. I had lost my creativity and desire to create. I don't think that it was confined to just me, it seems that I read of similar feelings on blogs of women I respect and also among some of my friends. Not sure why these feelings were so strong but I know they were really causing me to question why I am doing what I'm doing. I definitely was suffering from "martyr syndrome" and feeling quite picked upon and unhappy. In my head, I knew it was not warranted, I love my family and I know logically that being a mother is the greatest thing I can be doing, but at that time I just didn't FEEL it. I struggled with how to overcome these feelings and to once again find the joy in motherhood I have felt before and longed to feel again. I know that Heavenly Father knew my struggles and desires to feel at peace and happy with my choice to be a mother. He gave me that through the words of other mothers. I found a couple of blogs that I had never read before and each of these ladies shared words that really touched my heart and soul.
The first one was Karen who writes at ahousefullofsunshine.com. I found her blog through another blog about organizing, but it was her posts about mothers and her ebook, Your Beautiful Life, that really spoke to me. Here is an excerpt from her book that I really related to….

Fast-forward a few years, and I had three kids three years old and younger. I was exhausted, sleep-deprived, stressed out, and cranky. I flew from one crisis to the next all day long – breaking up fights, feeding a crying baby, cleaning up spills, tending to injuries, wiping noses, changing nappies, and answering the nonstop flow of wails and demands from my kids to open this or fix that or help them with something else. My life felt like a handmade boat, sinking not far from the shore. New leaks were springing up all over the place, and my whole existence revolved around scrambling from one leak to the next, frantically patching holes. I was in reaction mode. Survival mode. And yet, a part of me wondered – shouldn’t my life as a Mum be about more than just trying not to sink? Aren’t boats supposed to take us somewhere? ….

That’s what this book is about. Where are you going? Are you living the creative, joyful life you’ve always wanted to live? Do you have a destination in mind for your home, your family, and yourself? Or are you so busy patching holes and trying not to sink that you’ve forgotten where you’re even headed? 

But let’s be honest: when your life is consumed with your children on a daily basis, it’s easy to let an essential part of yourself slip between your fingers and disappear. 

I think of this as the GAP in your life when you become a mother. GAP stands for: 

Gifts 

Abilities 

Passions 

Some of you knew what your gifts, abilities and passions were before you become a mother, but now you feel like there’s nothing left of yourself to give to those areas. You’ve begun to forget about an essential part of who you are. 

Perhaps others of you have never taken the time to identify your giftings. 

When we suppress our creativity because we are too busy or tired or everything else seems more important, we anaesthetise a part of ourselves. 

I remember sitting on the love seat, in the addition, in the sunshine reading this ebook and having tears streaming down my face because it was so spot on for where I was at that moment. I truly believe Heavenly Father helped me find that blog when I most needed to read those words. 

Here is another quote from Karen that I love, from this post,

"Mama, I wish society could see what I see when I look at you. I wish your role was valued and honoured and respected. I wish you weren’t invisible. 

But for now, for those days when you feel unseen and unappreciated, remember the essential beauty and purpose in the hidden things.

You’re invisible the way warmth rests upon the skin; the way laughter need not be seen to find its way into the chinks and crannies of your soul. 

You’re invisible like a song in the dark. Like a kiss on a sleeping cheek. 

Like faith, and hope, and love.

Like the quiet beat of a heart, its repetitive work largely unnoticed, but without which none of us could exist." (I really loved this analogy!)

2-Another blog, entitled Mothers Who Know,  I came across on a Pinterest search for Scripture Study ideas and tips. It is written by Susan, who is the same age as me and has 8 daughters. She recently had a medical scare and as I read her experience it brought back memories of my own medical scare and I knew I needed to read her whole blog. It took me a few weeks of back-reading to read it all, but it is an amazing blog full of wisdom and truth. There are many posts on it that I will refer back to as needed, or direct others to when appropriate. 
Here is an excerpt from a post I really needed to read:

"Try as we might, we cannot separate ourselves from our divine, sacred role of mothers.  We are mothers.   Always.  Everyday.  No Matter What.  We set the tone for our families and lead our families according to our examples.  The family follows our lead, both the spoken and unspoken. This is NOT the time to  sow our wild un-sown oats from our teenage-hood.  We are not teenagers living in motherly bodies.  It was time to give all that up a lo-o--ong time ago.  We Are Mothers.  And need to act like it.  

We need to stop this mentality that is from the adversary meant and devised only to weaken mothers and eventually destroy the family, that it is OUR turn for everything.  That is such a needy and selfish way of thinking. It upsets the balance of the family.  As we are going out having "our turn", who is doing our role in the home?  Well, the children and husband are. They are at home waiting for their wife and mother to be done doing "their thing".   This "having our turn"  doesn't even strengthen us, like it promises to do.  It just emotionally detaches us from our sacred role as mothers and wives.  

It is not our turn, it is the Savior's turn. Not ours. Everything we do and are, needs to be what He would do and what He is.  We take His place in the home.  We are the healers and the nurtures. Just as everything HE did was about the Father, everything we do needs to be about the Savior."

Reading this really helped me put everything back into proper perspective. I had allowed Satan to tell me I was unhappy in my role as a wife and mother and I was allowing myself to become emotionally detached.  This post brought back to me that I really needed to just focus on the basics and being the mom that the Lord needs me to be for this family. Amazingly as we focus less on ourselves we find more joy. We love those we serve.

3- At one point a couple of books I had read years ago and loved came back into my mind. I had borrowed one from Grandma Yorgason and one from the library and had no access to them now. Our little town library did not have them in circulation. So I did what any 21st century woman does, I looked on Amazon. I was so happy to find them available and I 'threw' them into my cart and quickly bought them. I waited anxiously for them to arrive so I could read them again. 

The titles are: Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, (Personal Discoveries of a Mother of Twelve) and Celebration! Ten Principles of More Joyous Living. 

They are written by Geroldeen Ashland Edwards. They are funny, insightful and inspiring. I have loved rereading them and they have helped me begin to find the joy in mothering that I had lost. I know that the thought of them popping into my mind was not of my doing. I hadn't thought of them in years. But Heavenly Father knew I needed to reread them and glean from them things that could help me in my current funk.

4-This year as I was trying to pick my one word for the year I had several I was contemplating. It is a year long resolution of sorts, a focus for the year. I pondered what i wanted to focus on this year and narrowed it down to Cheerful and Stickety-tuity. I guess I'm having a 2 word year this year. 

As I go about life I keep coming across the word cheerful and I have been surprised how many times I've found it in church quotes. This year we are studying Ezra Taft Benson in Relief Society. These two quotes were in lesson #4 and really caught my attention as I had just chosen Cheerful as my word.

We have no cause to really worry. Live the gospel, keep the commandments. Attend to your prayers night and morning in your home. Maintain the standards of the Church. Try and live calmly and cheerfully. … Happiness must be earned from day to day. But it is worth the effort.

Be cheerful in all that you do. Live joyfully. Live happily. Live enthusiastically, knowing that God does not dwell in gloom and melancholy, but in light and love.

I have also run across Doctrine and Covenants 64:33-34 a lot lately. I think it will be my scripture of the year. I plan to print it up nicely and frame it for my kitchen window. I  should probably try to memorize it as well. 

He has also answered my prayers through music over the years but I am going to write a whole post about that. How thankful I am that he hears me and answers my prayers, both spoken and unspoken. I love that he uses all forms of communication to answer me. I have learned that he can use whatever he desires to answer prayer and will use whatever method He knows will work. I am thankful for other women who share their hearts and wisdom and knowledge to inspire and help others. Perhaps someday, something I have shared will bless the life of someone searching for inspiration. Maybe it will be my daughter or granddaughter or even a great-great-great granddaughter. Heavenly Father often uses others to bless His children. I have been blessed by others who are acting as His hands and hope to someday be His hands in blessing someone else's life.

What would a holy woman do?

I have been a reader of Shannon's blog for a long time. She has some amazing helps for studying scriptures and teaching. I read this post at the beginning of this year and decided to also read the book she spoke of and focus on becoming a more holy woman this year. I printed off her posters and placed them around my home in places where I would see them often.

At first, I really did think about how I was doing things as I went through my day. Was I mothering in a more holy way? Was I serving my family with holy intentions rather than grudgingly, out of duty? Was I serving in my calling in a more holy way? Was I being a better daughter, sister, friend, wife, neighbor?

However, I noticed as the year went on and I became accustomed to the signs, I noticed them less. They became part of the 'landscape' and as I noticed them less, I put less thought into my actions. I think the one that helped me the most was having a picture of this as the screensaver on my phone. I saw it every time I looked at my phone. I should probably put it back. 

I am thankful for the introspection and intentionality I had at the beginning of the year and I think it's been a very worthwhile experiment. I need to try to continue it because after all, what do I want more than to be like my Savior and my Heavenly Father? I want to rejoin them more than anything. I need to think daily about how my actions reflect that desire and make necessary changes to realign myself with that goal. 

None of us will be perfected in this life, but we must work towards that all our days. Learning to think outside ourselves (our carnal, selfish selves) and to have His will be our will is what we are here to work on. It's a lifelong process, and I'm thankful I have a lifetime to work on getting to that point. 

I'm so wishy-washy...

Lately I've been really disenchanted with my 'farm chores'. This will be the second winter of caring for chickens and I find myself dreading going out into the cold to take care of them. So each day it seems to be later in the day before I get out there. I mentioned to Curtis how tired I was of the chore and he said that, if I want to, we can give them all to our farmer friend and just buy the eggs from him....I'm thinking I like the sound of that.

When we moved here 5 years ago I was so excited and gung-ho to have the space to build a mini-farm. I wanted chickens, possibly goats or a milk cow, and a LARGE garden. It took us a while to get our feet under us and start collecting. We built garden boxes, we got more bees, we got the chickens and came thisclose to getting milking goats. In the last three years, this is what I've learned:

• I'm not a gardener. I like growing food, but I'm not Mavis and I'm not going to grow tons of food because I don't like being outside working in the garden all day!
• I'm not my dad. I don't like having daily feeding chores. Last winter I kept asking myself why I had turned myself into my dad. I had animals that I HAD to feed every day... rain, snow or shine.
• I'm SSSOOOOOOOO glad I never got a goat or cow to milk! If I think feeding chickens, collecting eggs and cleaning a coop is bad...! Yikes. 
• I thought the kids would be more involved in all this, but that was my dream, not theirs, hence the fact that C and I are the ones doing all the work....
• Although I'm thankful to have tried these things and for what I've learned (about chickens and gardening) through this experience, it's not my love and passion. I don't dream about it...anymore. 

My friend and I were discussing this the other day, (she still loves this stuff) and she asked me what my passion was. What do I love to do and long to do? And I had to say, "I don't know." I truly don't. I wonder if I'll every figure it out, or if I'll just go through life, trying this or that or whatever is sounding good at the moment only to realized it's not IT either.

I have heard of mothers who feel like they've lost themselves in the process of mothering and I've never quite related to that. But now, after 25+ years of being a mom I'm realizing I'm not sure who I am or what I am beyond a mom. I'm not angry or resentful about it, mostly I'm confused and curious. What lies within me waiting to be discovered?

I recently read a blog post, (can't find the link or I'd post it) and it talked about how people have either a 'fixed' mindset or a 'growth' mindset. It was very interesting and has given me a lot to think about. I've realized that logically I say I have or believe in a 'growth' mindset but my behavior and history tell me I've lived a 'fixed' mindset. I want to change that. I want to stop being afraid to try new things or to learn. I have a number of things I've wanted to do/learn but as I have grown older when I think of them, I usually think to myself that "it's too late, the time for such things is past". I think it's more that I'm letting fear of failure stop me from attempting things. I've always said it's never too late to learn or that learning never stops, yet I stop my learning at the doing stage. I study, research and digest information and then never DO anything with it other than think about it.

I'm hoping that in my wishy-washy way I can find what my passion is, or at least find something I truly enjoy doing, and actually make myself DO IT!