One year ago...

As I take my little yellow baby aspirin tonight I think about the events of one year ago and I'm thankful.

That I'm still here.
That I still have the opportunity to mother my children...
That I still have time to build my marriage...

That I have no complications or lingering effects...

That I don't have to take Coumadin anymore...

That I see the value and purpose of my life more clearly...

Life is precious. Don't waste it and your time on things of little worth. When your time seems limited I can promise you that  nothing matters more than your relationships.

With your children...

With your parents and siblings...

With your spouse...

With Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ...

I find that I'm still easily distracted by the world. I have to work hard to refocus. Often!

But I think I treasure more than ever before the people I love and the Gospel of my Savior. That was the blessed lesson that came from the craziest 10 days of my life.

My baby girl is 12, gulp........

I remember when I was expecting Sadie and I thought she was my last baby. I thought about the future and what I'd do with my time when she was in school and I'd have days to myself and when she'd be a young woman and how all my children would be almost grown up....

Well, she has gone and turned 12 and while she is almost grown up, I'm sure glad I still have three little boys at home to keep me company and keep me busy. 

I think Sadie has been waiting for this day for a long time, watching both of her sisters enter YW and go to Mutual while she stayed home with the boys, watching them get to go to High School activities while she stayed home with the boys. It's got to be hard to be the youngest sister....

Nice bowling technique!

Not all her waiting days are over, but she has finally hit the milestone of 12 years. A few weeks before her actual birthday she had her ears pierce by Aunt Wendy before the Crane's moved to St. George. That was also a milestone in Sadie's life.

Annsheri, Journey, and Sadie

To celebrate with friends this year Sadie decided she'd like to go bowling at the new bowling alley in Blanding. She took her good friends, Journey and Annsheri with her and they sure had a good time. Sadie was the only one who chose not to use the bumpers and needless to say, her score was not as high as theirs. That didn't bother her, she was just happy to share this day with her buddies.

Bowling Beauties!

Annsheri, Journey and Sadie

Someone always has to photobomb!

On her birthday, she helped make her own cake and we invited Grandma over to help celebrate.

Sadie and her yummy Cinnamon Swirl cake!

The celebrating crew-Dad, Grandma, Soren, James, Sadie(hiding of course!), Hannah, Cambria and Charles.

We feel so blessed to have Sadie in our family. She is a diligent student, good helper in the kitchen, a tease of a big sister, and tries very hard to do the right thing. We look forward to the milestones she will hit in the future, to see who she becomes. So fun to watch my girls become capable women who strive to be the best they can be.

life now

So that's how it ended and where we are today. When I got home I continued the Lovenox until I had enough Coumadin in me to stop the Lovenox. Thankfully, the Coumadin is about $8 for a month's worth of meds. It is not something I wanted to be on forever, it is not a thing you want in your body, they use it for rat poison! But it is effective and so I took it until the six month mark from my PE. It made my hair brittle, but I didn't notice any really bad effects from it. I am thankful that it kept me from forming any new clots while the old ones aged and hardened and didn't launch any more emboli.

Last week I went to see Dr. Black and look at the results of the blood tests I had done in Sept. He said that he could not see any reason to keep taking the Coumadin.  My test results all indicated normal blood clotting. He did ask me to take a baby aspirin daily for now. I am happy to do that. 

After getting the okay to be done with Coumadin, I had a ceremonial smashing of the remaining pills. I hope I never need them again. I hope this was an isolated incident and that there will not be a repeat of it.

Its an interesting place that Curtis and I find ourselves now.  We have been having children for so long, that's really all we know. I don't think  either of us had any idea we'd have so many, but we are thankful for the wonderful family we have. As we look to the future, we are excited to be moving to the grandparent stage, where the new people entering our family are coming by marriage and someone's womb besides mine. It is a bittersweet thing to come to the end of the childbearing era, and we mourn the child that could have been. I know that Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning and will make all things right for that child as well as for me and that he knows that in a different situation I would have been willing to try again to give that spirit a mortal body. As it was, it just couldn't be. I have felt His comfort as I have pondered and mourned this event. I am thankful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation and happiness that gives us understanding of this mortal journey. It surely brings peace to know that someone is in charge and all will be made right. And that someday we will understand why things had to be as they are.  

In a couple of weeks, Jordan will be married. He met his fiancé, Lindsey, in ID and it has been such a good thing for him. He has direction in his life now. He is registered to start school and knows what he wants to study. We are so thrilled to see so much good in his life. The gospel is such a blessing. The sealing of two people to each other is such a blessing.  We cannot wait to be part of the beginning of yet one more eternal family in the Seattle Temple. (pictures will be forthcoming)

More fun in Provo

After being in the ER for a bit Dr. Ludlow came in to see me and examine me. He took the time to talk with us and go over all the details with us. He explained the medication that I had been given and the necessity for it. It was very hard to take a drug you know will abort a fetus but if Mom bleeds to death there is no baby anyway. That is only logical and there was really little other choice. He talked to us about the possibility of the D&C, actually at that point he was pretty sure it was going to be necessary, as well as the possibility of a hysterectomy.

When he did the exam he removed a huge clot from me that was about the size of a grapefruit. It was still early morning, so he wanted me to have one more dose of the Cytotec, which works by making the uterus clamp down, thereby slowing the bleeding) and see how that worked before deciding to do the D&C. They wheeled me up to a room and put me in bed. Curtis went in search of food. Later that morning, Dr. Ludlow came and checked me again and the bleeding had stopped significantly and he told me that he felt that the D&C would not now be necessary. He wanted me to stay the day in the hospital and be monitored and if all was well they would release me that evening.

So I spent the day lying in a hospital bed. It was not an ICU type of room, it was just a regular room on the surgery recovery floor. I found it sort of funny that there was such haste to get me there to UVRMC and so little after I got there. The nurses took good care of me and removed all those lovely IVs that were not needed. But mostly they left us alone and we had a quiet day.

Dr. Ludlow came in later in the afternoon and said they were happy to release me to go home. He did say that it would be a good idea for us to stay in the valley for a couple of days to monitor bleeding. If it picked up again, we would need to come back in. We had a good visit with him and asked him if he thought I would be able to go to SC for Ford's graduation from Basic Training. He seemed to think it would be fine and that led to a discussion about his time in the military.  I think he probably spend 30 extra minutes talking to us. If anyone has a need for a good OB in the Ut. Valley area I would highly recommend Dr. Ludlow. He was fantastic.

After finally getting all the necessary paperwork done I was released. Nicole had brought over the girls' car for us to use for the couple of days that we were to stay. We called my Uncle Boyd and asked if we could use their downstairs bedroom for a day or two. He was gracious enough to let us come.

We had had the dr. call in a RX for more Lovenox to Walgreens since it is just kitty-corner from the hospital. We went over there to pick it up and to get alcohol wipes and sanitary pads and such. It was the biggest  joke we've ever had played on us. They wanted to charge us $2600 for the shots. Curtis was so mad. He rarely gets mad enough that anyone would notice, but he was irate. I think he was very tired as well.  He had them check things again to see if a mistake had happened. It had not. He asked them the price of one shot to get us through the night. $150. Needless to say, we could not afford to pay that, but how could we afford not to?

In the end of it all, the pharmacist there told us he could transfer the RX to Walmart. He even called there to make sure they had the meds. So we left Walgreens and raced to Walmart to make it before the pharmacy closed.  There we got the shots we needed for 3 days and paid $300 for them.  I wondered then, and have since, how in the world Walgreen's stays in business. Who in their right mind would  take their prescriptions there?

We spent the next couple of days resting, visiting friends, and doing a bit of shopping. Mr. Shakespeare, Curtis's boss, came to pick us up on Thurs. evening to take us home. It was an uneventful trip home and it was nice to be home again.  Nice to see the kids and try again, to get our lives back to normal....

Here We Go Again....

Sunday evening, the bleeding began to be heavier. I told Curtis that I was bleeding and that I thought it was all going to end in miscarriage. I laid in bed wishing I could change the outcome. I wondered why it seemed that so many times when I've found myself pregnant and had a hard time accepting it initially,  miscarriages seemed to follow, especially after I've come to terms with being pregnant and getting excited about it.  There is a lot of guilt involved in that, wondering if in some way you've caused the miscarriage and feeling bad that you weren't more excited about the pregnancy to begin with. It has been one of my hardest challenges. I think I've only had one miscarriage where I had planned on the pregnancy and was excited from the get go about it. There was no guilt that time and it was easy to recover from the miscarriage.

Towards midnight, I passed some tissue and it seemed to be attached to me. I thought it was the amniotic sac. I didn't try to detach it, fearing more bleeding, but covered it and got Curtis up, we told Mom and we drove to the Emergency Room in a sober mood. I was checked in and they called the on-call dr. to come examine me. He looked at my chart and history and asked some questions and then did an exam. It was determined that it was only a clot that I had passed (a clot?? on anticoagulants?) and that he could not see any active bleeding from my cervix. It was about 2 a.m. and they decided they would like to keep me for a few hours and then do an ultrasound when the tech got there in the morning.  We agreed and they put us in a room to rest. Not much bleeding during that resting time, quite light.

The US tech came and got me sometime between 7-8 in the morning. I was not expecting to see anything and I actually hadn't seen anything but I surely heard the 'whoosh-whoosh' of a little heart beating away. There it was on the screen, a little fetus, with a furiously beating heart. I was so  surprised. I was so sure it was gone. I began to feel a glimmer of hope at that point that maybe this was not going to end in miscarriage. After the US they sent me home and told me to keep off my feet, but to come back if the bleeding got worse. I was told to follow up with Dr. Black.

I spend the majority of that day in my favorite chair. It was becoming molded to me, I'd sat in it for so long. The bleeding continued but was very light. As evening came on, I wondered if I should take my Lovenox shot and decided that I should, so I  did at 10 pm. About 1/2 hour after taking the shot I again felt some large clumps of tissue being passed from my body and the bleeding seemed to be picking up. By midnight we decided we had better head to the hospital again. So again, we woke my mom to tell her what was going on and then drove to the hospital. Again, I was checked in and the same dr. in the same clothing, came in to examine me, again. Poor guy, he'd been there all that time.

Again, he thought that all the tissue passed was clots, no fetal tissue. He said he still could see no active bleeding in the exam and again he encouraged me to go home and rest. He suggested that I shower and get cleaned up and that would help me feel better. I was rather a mess at that point.

So we drove home and I tried to just climb into bed, but Curtis thought the dr. was right and talked me into showering. It felt really good at first to wash all that day's troubles away, but as I was standing there, eyes closed, and letting the water run over me, I opened my eyes to see red everywhere, running and swirling away down the drain. I stood there in disbelief for a time. It was very surreal to watch my blood wash away. I then tried to figure out how in the world I was going to get out of the shower because the blood was not stopping. Then I started to get panicked because I could not figure out how to get out without covering the bathroom in blood. I finally called for Curtis to come help me, as I did not know what else to do, and it was still a mess. We packed a large chux type pad between my legs and put on some scrubs they had given me and off we went again to the hospital.

By this time, I was feeling very shaky and lightheaded. Probably mostly from fear, but I was very afraid that I might bleed to death. They took one look at me this time and immediately got me in the ER room and started taking care of me.

These are the dr.'s notes from the ER: "Approximately 2 hours later, the patient again returned. She had had mass bleeding. She  reported that the floor of her shower and her bathroom, in her words,'looked like somebody had been murdered.' There was an extensive amount of blood. When she came to us, she had filled several chux and several tampons. When she came in, she was pail and diaphoretic. She was lightheaded and complained of being very dizzy. She had a look of panic on her face. Her vitals were P 100, BP 115/66. Her pulse decreased. She was in the 100s-115 on her pulse and 80s-90 systolic.

Immediately on her coming back to us, we put in two large bore IVs and stared running lactated Ringer's wide open. I spoke with Dr. Ludlow, who is a High Risk OB physician at Utah Valley Hospital. We relayed all of this to Dr. Ludlow. He recommended that we give 600 mcg of Cytotec, stating that I should inform the patient that this would like abort the fetus. Dr. Ludlow stated that he wanted the patient flown immediately and that she should have a transfusion begun immediately. I discussed this with the patient and she agreed. I also explained to the patient the effects of the Cytotec, and she also agreed to this. 

Dr. Ludlow said that the patient's course of treatment, on her arrival there, would be an emergency D&C regardless, due to the fact that she was bleeding and that there was immediate risk to the mother's life. 

We contacted the flight crew and they were on the way. We continued with lactated Ringer's giving the patient blood while we were waiting for the flight crew to come. After the Cytotec was given, the patient did begin to have a little bit better color, higher blood pressures, and less tachycardia. She was doing much better. She was speaking in full sentences. She no longer had the look of panic on her face that she had had before. She was transferred to UVRMC, under the care of Dr. Ludlow, in guarded condition. Dr. Ludlow also expressed to us that we would need to have the ability to do an emergency hysterectomy if we did  a D&C of this patient while she was on this much Lovenox."

My memories of my time in that ER room were of some nurses who did everything in their power to help me out. Sheila, particularly, was fantastic and competent in all she did to treat me and also to treat me as a person, not just a medical emergency. I was cold, probably from shock and blood loss and felt often that I was going to hyperventilate. They kept me covered with warm blankets, several of them, as well as monitoring my bleeding and changing bedding and pads when needed so I didn't have to sit in a mess. I think I caused a bit of a stir there that night. There was lots of rushing around and adrenalin seemed to be flowing. I noticed that when one nurse was trying to put in IV's she was a bit shaky. I had to have some large IV's so that blood transfusion could be done as well as in prep for a possible surgery. I remember the blood transfusion and how much better I started to feel after that. I was given 2 units of blood. I am so appreciative of the donors who gave their blood to help me out. I  know I should donate more often, since I have the universal donor type, O-.  Something to definitely plan on in the future.

I remember wondering again if this was going to be it. When I was lightheaded, the sounds were funny and far away and I wondered if I was heading into that tunnel. Thankfully, once the blood was transfused all those symptoms left me and I actually felt ok.

We did a deja vu of the ambulance transport and airplane ride. This time the plane was the IHC Lifeflight. They were awesome. When we arrived at UVRMC I was rushed into the ER this time.......

My New Normal

As I try to recall those first days home from the hospital I realize that they are starting to get fuzzy already. Good thing I'm writing about it now, as I may lose what little I remember of them.

the lovely medicine that kept me from more clots, shot  into me 2xday. ouch

My days consisted of giving myself a shot at 8 am, sitting in a chair in the living room for most of the day, watching my mom do all my work, giving myself a shot at 8 pm and then attempting to sleep in the same chair I sat in all day.

I still could not lie down to rest. Apparently that pain was caused by the lung tissue that died due to the blockage. Things I read on the internet suggested that it was from blood seeping out of them into the pleural sac, or the lining of the lungs. I also noticed as time went on that I could actually hear/feel my lungs rubbing that lining as I breathed. It didn't hurt, it was just a very strange sensation I can't really explain because I didn't really hear it, I guess I felt the vibration of it and it seemed I could hear it.

I was also extremely short of breath still. They told me that it would take a month or two to get my lung power back, and that it might never be quite the same. So to even go up the seven stairs to my bedroom was pretty arduous at first. I would step on a step and wait a few seconds for air, then step to the second step. Any amount of exertion caused me to be very breathless and as I struggled for breath, I had pain. So I learned to just sit and not do much because then I didn't hurt. Bending over was really painful, as was sneezing and coughing, and incredibly, yawning. I never knew how much air a person had to inhale to yawn. I had to take it in in several small breaths before I could yawn. Very strange.

One of the most disconcerting effects was that I absolutely could not concentrate on anything. Nicole and Stacy both brought me books in the hospital and normally that would be something I would devour, since I had the time. But both in the hospital and at home I found I could not follow a story-line to save my life.  I wondered at times if I would ever get my brain back. I could not crochet either. Most of my time was spent talking to Mom, who continued to stay with us to help out, and listening to episodes of different series on the Mormon Channel. Love that channel on my phone.

I was trying at this time to figure out all the insurance stuff and how we were going to pay for 7-8 months of Lovenox shots. (how I thought my poor brain could figure it out makes me laugh now, but I was very worried about it.) Our medical insurance has RX benefits, but only after the deductible is met. They also have a mail order pharmacy where you can get bulk meds at a discounted price. I determined that that was what I should look at. I called them and was in the process of setting things up, when a little voice in my head suggested that I wait until I was past the time where I often miscarry a baby. I told them I would call them back when I was ready to activate the Rx.

I should mention that I had a dr. appt with Dr.  Black during the week after I got home. I wanted to have him be updated on what was going on, get his instructions and get my OB care rolling. I told him that I would like to have an ultrasound to see if there really was a baby there as I didn't want to be taking these shots if there wasn't a baby there and I could take a cheaper medication. He agreed and we did a quick ultrasound and saw a sac with a little baby in it with a rapidly beating heart. I knew then that all the expensive shots in the world were worth it, to have one more little one to love and raise.

When the little voice whispered to wait on the bulk meds, I just thought it was good common sense. I didn't get a feeling of doom or anything, yet a couple of days later when the spotting started I realized that I had been given a bit of inspiration. The spotting was light and continued for a couple of days and I thought maybe it would go away, but in the back of my mind I had two thoughts.

1. I have never (ever!) kept a pregnancy after I have started spotting, and
2. I was on anticoagulants (commonly called blood thinners) and was very worried about what a miscarriage might be like on them. Dr. Black had told me that if I had ANY bleeding I should get to the hospital right away.

The spotting started on Thursday I think and was just light until Sun night.........

best way to Provo

.....So I was strapped to a gurney and loaded into the ambulance for a ride to the airport where a plane waited to fly me to Provo. It was on the ride to the airport that I realized I could not have made the ride in a car. Every single bump in the road caused pain in my chest and made my breathing difficult.

It was almost midnight before we flew out. So I saw nothing out the windows from my gurney except the lights on the tail of the plane. The nurses took very good care of me yet I remember that I kept wondering how the altitude would affect my ability to breathe. I guess I  am very thankful for pressurized cabins, because I noticed no changes as we ascended. 

I remember distinctly wondering what it would be like to die and if this was going to be my time to go. I wondered if darkness would close in around me and if I would see a light far away as if at the end of a tunnel. I wondered who would be there to meet me and if it would be painful or painless. 

I wasn't in much pain due to the morphine, but I didn't sleep at all. Just watched the monitors and the lights out the window. It took about 45 minutes to fly to Provo, where we landed at the airport and I was transferred to another ambulance for the ride to UVRMC.

It was interesting to look out the windows of the ambulance's doors and see signs and buildings and know exactly where in Provo we were and what road we were on. I was admitted to the ICU unit upon arriving at the hospital and a dr., not sure if he was a pulmonologist or an internist, saw me and checked me, explained what they would be doing for me then I was left in the care of a nurse for the night. 

In the morning an ultrasound was done on my legs to try to determine where the embolism had originated from. The most likely place for them to find clots is in the large veins of the legs, or the pelvic area. The ultrasound showed no clots in my legs, leaving us still wondering where the clots came from. 

I spent a day and a half in the ICU and a day in a regular care room before being released to go home. I was taught how to administer the Lovenox shots on myself. My poor stomach was a bruised mess. I was really squeamish about it at first, but I learned how to do it with little bruising and little pain beyond the initial prick. The needles themselves were very fine gauge and not hard to pierce the skin with. The hardest part of using the lovenox was the cost. About $50 a shot and I needed to do two a day. That adds up quickly and we have a very large deductible.  My mom helped with the cost of the meds. It didn't take us long to reach our deductible at that rate, either.

Stacy came up from Price to pick Curtis and I up, since the flight up was only a one-way trip! She took us to Price and Mom met us there and brought us back to Monticello. 

On to the 'new normal'....................

Breathless

So I was really thinking my life was going to go back to its normal quiet, boring routine. I was done subbing at the school and I was enjoying the thought that my evenings were mine now.

On Tuesday, Sept 18, I noticed that I was feeling a bit gaseous, like I was bloated in my torso.
I went to Soren's soccer game and as I stood up to leave, I noticed that I was a bit short of breath.
I suppose now is a good time to share the news that I was pregnant and so I wondered if the shortness of breath was due to the pregnancy, even though in the back of my mind I knew that was a bit farfetched since I was only about 8 weeks along.

As the night went on, the discomfort continued and when I went to bed that night I found that I could not lie down. AT ALL! Every time I tried to recline my body, my left shoulder area would scream with pain. I ended up going down to the living room so that I would not disturb Curtis's sleep. I slept off and on in the chair there, but it was far from a good night's rest.

On Wed., I took some Gas-X, thinking that if I could just move that gas out of my torso I'd feel better. And I did feel better for a time. I went through the normal things of the day and when it was time for bed, again I could not recline in any way or get much sleep. It's a bit hard to sleep when you have to keep your torso exactly erect.

Thursday morning I decided that I needed to see the doctor. This was obviously something that needed to be looked into, as it just wasn't getting any better. I called the clinic and was given the option of seeing a dr. who was not my normal dr., or seeing the PA. As I pondered who I should see I felt that I should see Dr. R. He is known as Dr. Death since he looks for the big causes, rather than the small ones, first. But I knew that he would listen to me and would check for everything. I knew that he would not just dismiss my complaints. I also spent a bit of time on the internet looking up anything I could think of that would explain torso/shoulder pain. Looked at Gall bladder, kidneys, pulmonary embolisms, pleurisy, heart trouble.

I sent Soren to his soccer game and Curtis and I went to the clinic. When I started explaining my symptoms to Dr. R he immediately was concerned. My dad had heart trouble and when I said I was having pain in my left shoulder/chest area he sent us across the parking lot to the hospital for a check on my heart.

The EKG(?) came out fine, my heart was good. So then we proceeded to take some chest x-rays to look for pneumonia, and some blood was drawn to start running some tests. The arterial blood gas test was incredibly painful. OUCH!! They moved me to a pt. room while they looked at the x-rays and test results. One of the blood tests (D-dimer) indicated a possibility of a clot, or pulmonary embolism and the x-rays showed that as well, so a CT scan was ordered. My good friend LeaAnn was the x-ray tech and was so kind and helpful to me. As we prepped for the CT scan I told her I absolutely could not lie down on the sliding table thing that moves through the CT machine. So they came and gave me some morphine to cut the pain and I was able to lie down for the test. I was then sent back to my room while the CT scan was read.

Dr. R came in after a bit and said, "Well, you called it. You have bilateral pulmonary embolisms." He then talked to us about what they were, what the possibilities/eventualities were and what we needed to do. He left to consult with drs. up north and I was immediately given a dose of Lovenox, which is an anticoagulant that does not harm a baby. It's a lovely shot in the tummy. Another fun ouch! They also drew more blood to run tests on to see if I have a genetic reason to have blood clots. When Dr. R came back to the room, he informed us that we were going to need to fly a bigger hospital. We chose UVRMC since we know that hospital. We have no experience with the hospital in Grand Jct.

We both sat there thinking how crazy this whole thing was. I didn't feel that sick, just bloated. I kept thinking surely we could just drive there and not fly, but Dr.  R did not recommend that. We called my mom  and she happened to be in town, so she came to the hospital with Wendy. It was then we told them that I was pregnant and that it likely contributed to the clots.  Mom said she would stay with the kids so Curtis could fly with me.
About that time, the flight crew came and they and the ambulance crew got me ready to transfer.

To be continued.......

Last quarter of 2011

I just can't seem to keep up with my own life. The last couple of months have brought lots of changes to our family and I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. Just a quick recap. I'm hoping to write individual posts about these things, but if I don't at least I've documented it here. Nov.-Elder Welch #2 (Montana) heads off for the MTC and then to Toronto Canada where he will serve for the next 2 years. He is in an English speaking mission, so only spent 3 weeks at the MTC. Had a wonderful experience going to the temple for his first time. Then he and I and James went with Grandma and Grandpa to Provo to drop him off. Jordan was able to come down to Provo to see him before he entered the MTC. It was a nice time. Had a lovely Thanksgiving at our house with Grandma and Grandpa and Karla's family. Wendy's family had to go north to support their Crane family during a very difficult time. Curtis's grandmother passed away on Nov. 29 at the age of 101 11/12. Missed her 102 birthday by 21 days. She was such an amazing person and we were all so happy for her to be released from this mortal experience. We went to Provo area for her funeral on Sat 12/3. Sunday morning 12/4 as we were getting in the car to head to church we got a phone call from my mother telling me that my dad had passed away that morning. It was a phone call I was totally unprepared for and not expecting. We hurriedly threw our things in the car and headed home to be with Mom. We spent the next few days preparing for a funeral. I was so amazed at the love and support shown to our family at this time. This town and county we live in is amazing that way. So many people came to pay their respects for and share their memories of my dad. It's been 3 1/2 weeks and I miss him so much. I keep thinking he'll show up on my doorstep, knocking instead of walking in. He always did that even though we're living in his house. At certain times of day I seem to think of him the most. When it's quiet and I'm getting ready for the day or for bed. Often seeing something or hearing something will trigger it all again. I am so sad that my littlest kids won't remember or know him well. I'm sad that I can't see him or talk to him. But, I'm SO THANKFUL to know that this is not the end. He lives on and if I choose to live worthily, I WILL see him again. That truly brings me so much peace. I am also thankful that his aching joints are not troubling him anymore. They were really getting to be painful for him. In fact, I believe that it was a blood clot from the knee surgery he had on Monday prior to his death that caused his death. We are thankful it was quick and hopefully relatively painless. We had a nice Christmas and are staring the New Year in the eye. I'm hoping that we don't have another year like this one has been. Hoping for continued good health for my mom with no more cancer. Hoping for a good experience for both of the boys who have left our home. Hoping for peace and joy here at home with the time and ability to do some of the things that we feel are important. But if not......with the help of the Lord we can do all things. I have faith in his ability to see us through all things.

DYT update

So the promised pictures will have to wait. I can't seem to find my camera which has my memory card full of pictures in it. I really wish I could find it, or at least my mind. Maybe then I could remember where I'd put the blasted thing. LOL

It has been a crazy summer. I was really hoping to go to SLC to attend an intro night or a club night at the DYT center, but that never happened.

I was able to go up in August and had every intention in the world of stopping by the center in Draper to look at jewelry and accessories. But again, it didn't happen. It was too hot, the vehicle I was driving had no a/c and I had the baby with me, so I decided it was not the right time for me to shop. On that trip I did make it to a DI and can I just tell you what a different experience it was for me? I took my style guide with me and I first pulled things off the rack if they were the right color. Then I looked at the fabrication and design lines and if they were Type 2 AND close to my size then I put them in my cart to try on. I went to the dressing room with probably 30 items in my cart. That has never happened before. EVER! I ended up with about 5 shirts and a pair of jeans for $29. Then I found a cute gray T with soft, vintage embellishments in pinks and purples at Sams Club for another $7. I was so happy to have some new items to wear. Still wishing for a scarf or two or some jewelry. One of these days.

I think that day will be here soon. Someone kind ;) (you know who you are) used my DYT link and purchased a book and online course, and I received a commission for that. I'm so excited to have some store credit to use. I'm sure that true to my type, I'll debate and debate about how to spend it, but I am looking forward to putting some of those wonderful items in my virtual shopping cart and then getting a fun package in the mail.

I have not made as much progress with my hair redo as I would have liked. I had my hair-wiz sister cut it quite short in May because I was having the post-partum hair loss. I think though that that has mostly ended, so I'm in the growing it out a bit mode and it's in the icky in-between stage. You know the one. The one where you can't do a thing with it and just want it to grow fast or get it all chopped short again. I do need to visit my sis again and have her try to get my hair back to its natural ash blonde and maybe put some lighter ash highlights in it. Can't believe I'm saying that. For so many years I've tried desperately to add some brightness to my hair with golden and reddish tones. Typical Type 2 trying to be Type 1 thing to do. Haha.

I will take some new pictures and try to get them posted sooner rather than later. I'm anxious to share my very gradual transformation.

Dressing Your Truth

I have been in a fashion funk for a long time. Lot of things contributed to that. Too much weight from lots of babies, very little disposable income (gotta feed all those kids), and just not knowing what looked good on me or how to put things together. Last fall I was introduced (through the internet) to a program called Dressing Your Truth. I was intrigued and asked my family to give me the book about it for Christmas. I read it and thought I knew what my type was but wasn't sure. I watched some of the videos that are available to watch online and still wasn't sure. Then I listened to a conference call and true to my type was too reserved to ask any questions, although I had them. So I read the book again, with the things in mind from the call as I read, and things started jumping out at me. Why I do things the way I do them. I was able to pin down my type. FINALLY!! I saved up the funds to purchase the online course for my type and I've been attempting to 'live my truth' since then. Of course I can't do a complete overhaul in a month. I just don't have the funds, but I have been able to purchase a couple of things and it's so nice now to know what colors, lines and types of clothing to look for. I don't feel lost in the store anymore! And for me that's huge! I have always hated to shop cause there are too many choices. Now I can really zero in on what will look best on me. HOORAY!!!! I will make some changes to my hair and clothing. This is so EXCITING!! This experience it has been very liberating in many ways beyond the clothing/beauty part.