tender mercies, inspired leaders and direction

I want to write about an experience I had this summer. When I was in Arizona with my mom I got a call from the Stake Executive Secretary who set up an appt. for me to visit with the Stake President. Of course, I wondered what it was all about, wondering if I was going to get a new calling and what it might be if I did.

We got back from Arizona on Saturday and I went to my appt on Sunday evening. He invited me into his office and we small talked for a minute. Then he said he'd tell me why he'd called me in. He said that he'd seen me in a meeting and had a feeling and concern about me, wondering how I was doing. He didn't pursue it until he saw me again at another meeting and again felt that same concern and decided he would talk with me and see if I was ok. He asked me if I was ok and said he really didn't know why he had this concern but that he felt he should check on me. I was a bit bewildered and told him that I was fine and that everything was good. As we talked I did share with him that the last couple of years have been very hard with things that have occurred in this town that have created some uncomfortable feelings. That Curtis was really hard hit and that it was hard to watch him struggle. He shared with me that with some events in his own family, he had come to the point of learning to not say anything if it wasn't positive. That words so easily spoken have so much power to cause damage. He also said that he felt impressed to tell me that Heavenly Father was very pleased with my efforts to be a good person and a good mother. That the work I am doing in my home is the most important thing I could be doing and that he was grateful I was willing to do it.
I left his office with the same calling, (in church and at home) and a full heart from the message that an in-tune leader shared with me from my Heavenly Father.

When I got home I shared what had occurred with Curtis and he said that it was probably his fault. I told him it was probably my leaky tear-duct's fault. It seems that I cannot get through a church meeting anymore without tears and I've given up wearing mascara on my lower eyelashes. But Curtis shared with me that he had noticed me struggling lately with myself and that he had received a strong approval from the Spirit in the temple in regards to himself and so he had prayed for me to have a similar experience. He said he thought it would just occur in the temple, not through the Stake Pres. What a wonderful, loving husband I have. I'm so, so, SO grateful for his concern and love for me and that he actually prays for my benefit.

The struggle I've had lately has been seeing all the cool 'things' that people are doing and displaying on Instagram and FB, whether they are selling them or not. One of the things I've felt I've lost over the years is my creativity, and I've been wanting to rediscover it and for some reason I felt that it needed to be in a way that could be shared and possibly marketed. That for me to be creative just for creativity's sake and for my own fulfillment wouldn't be enough. That it had to be bigger, something that was unique to me and that I could sell. And I felt very inadequate to come up with something that fit that bill.

So this experience of talking to Pres. Lewis and to Curtis and the whispers of the Spirit to me, confirming what they shared with me have led me to question why I'm even having this struggle...

Then, I read this quote on a blog I've been reading for a few years, and Karen's words
 spoke to my heart/regarding me finding 'my thing'/trying to do what I see everyone else doing...

Then there's money. Everything seems to be about money. Go to school so you can make money.  Improve your talents so you can sell them. Market yourself. Find your passion so you can make money with it so you can travel and live your dreams.

Me, me, me. It's exhausting. And it's so hard not to get caught up in the fray... "What if being a mother is not enough?" I start to wonder when I get on facebook and see this message almost everywhere I look.

Whatever happened to loosing yourself in service, "freely you have received, freely give", "inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least these..."

Not that making money is bad. Just when it becomes the motivation for doing what we do. Christ should be our motivation - money is just one of the outcomes we'll be blessed with if it would be good for us and those around us. If I'm having a hard time looking beyond this message to what is really true (that nothing matters more than motherhood; and that worth or influence is not measured by the number of followers I have or the amount of likes) then how can I hope my children see beyond it?

I'm also tired of the constant pressure to pull my family in lots of different directions. "Each child had a unique talent they must pursue at all cost and sacrifice..." so each child is away from his family most of the day "pursuing their talents" - by the time a child is in his teens, family ties are weakest just when they need to be strongest.

Family time needs to be guarded diligently. We shouldn't be so overscheduled that there is no family time during the day.  Electronic devices need to be put away for family time each day. But I digress...

It's been about a month or so since I read this and had this experience and I've come to the conclusion that my focus should still be on mothering (and grandmothering) and that while it's great for me to spend time to rediscover my creative side, it does not need to be for the purpose of marketing whatever it is I choose to do, for making money. That I can be creative for the fun of it, to share with people, to make my life more full. That I can find my 'thing' or the 'thing that I'm known for ' and it can just be that I'm known for it within my own family.

I'm grateful to know that I am not wasting my time or my life by being 'just a mom'. I feel so blessed to have received this tender mercy from the Lord. He is aware of us and our troubles and desires to bless us. He uses those who will listen to bless His children.

Reflecting

Recently, I read the whole blog called Cling To Courage, written by Mari, who lost her husband to pulmonary embolism in 2014. I had found her blog shortly after her husband, Charles, passed away and read the current posts. For some reason last fall, I felt that I needed to reread those posts and as I read, I felt like I should back-read her whole blog to get a better sense of her story.

As I reread her posts outlining Charles' last day, I was filled with gratitude that my story with pulmonary embolism turned out so differently. I am thankful to still be here on this earth to raise my children and see them move on with their own lives. I did not experience the horrible pain she described him having. In fact, I felt sort of silly going in to the doctor because I was sure they would tell me it was gas, to go home and take some antacid. I remember thinking as they drove me in the ambulance to the airport for the flight to Provo, that I just didn't feel bad enough to be in a life and death situation. I am thankful, after reading her story, that I was spared that pain.

As I have reflected on my experience compared to Charles' experience I came to one conclusion. I was told by my doctor after finishing up my regimen of Warfarin or Coumadin, that I should take a baby aspirin every day to help keep my blood a bit thinner. I bought one bottle and took most of it before deciding, (consciously?), that I didn't need it. But I have felt impressed that I need to begin doing that again. So I've bought another bottle of baby aspirin and I've been very diligent to take one every day.

You never know when your time is at an end. But I want to try to do what I can to live as healthily as possible while I'm still here. I know that if Heavenly Father wants to call me home, a baby aspirin a day is no obstacle for Him, but I will do what I can to prevent another clot or embolism from happening. It's just not worth the risk, when a small daily dose can help keep my blood thin. I have also been told that if I ever have another clot or embolism that I will be put on Coumadin for life. I DO NOT want that. Baby aspirin is now my friend.

Good Things:
Sunshine
Heaters that work
Children who love and care for their siblings

James as...Hermie?

James has had some really awesome bed head during vacation. And to be honest I have not bothered to comb it often since we're just at home.

He has had a habit of twisting his hair, you can see his kewpie look here. But now that his bangs are longer they're getting in on the fun and this is the result. All day I kept trying to figure out who he reminded me of...and it finally hit me. 

What do you think? James = Hermie?

I think it's a pretty good likeness. :)

Spoken to through music....

In the last 18 months or so I have come to the realization that Heavenly Father often uses music to speak to me, to answer prayers and to comfort me. I wanted to record a few examples that have occurred in that time frame. 

~In August of 2013, I was released from my YW calling. I knew it was coming, I'd been in there for 3 years, so it was time. When I went into my appt with the bishop for a new calling he mentioned that he had a lot of changes to make. I figured I would get a Pirmary calling, maybe to team teach with my mom, or into the presidency as they had been in as long as I had been in YW. I never expected to hear the words that next came out of the Bishop's mouth! 
He looked at me and said he was extending a call to me to be the choir director for the ward. I sat there, dumbfounded. I'm sure my mouth was open. When he asked me if I could accept that call I struggled to find my voice and then said, 'But, Bishop, I don't know anything about leading music.' He asked me if I played the piano, and I told him I did but only for myself, that I couldn't play when people sing and I wasn't every good at all. He told me that he knew I could figure this out and do it. He again asked if I would accept the call and I tearfully told him I would try. I have never felt so inadequate for a calling before. Of course, they haven't called me to play the piano or organ and that would be even worse. 

Over the next few weeks, I cried every week in Church. I could feel the Bishop's eyes on me,(cause we sit in the front) and at one point he even gave a lesson in RS about accepting and magnifying our callings. I know it was directed to me. I didn't start practices right away, true to my energy type, I needed to do some research and see if I could teach myself to lead music before holding a practice. After about a month, with inquiries from the bishop and the pianist, I was starting to feel the pressure to get going with practice, I had no idea what to sing and to make matters worse, we were asked to provide the music for the upcoming stake conference. Oh, my stomach!!!

As I thumbed through the hymnbook and pondered different songs throughout my days, one line from one song kept coming into my head. I didn't even know the name of the song at first, although it was a familiar tune and I liked it. As it kept coming to me, I started to pay attention to it and realized that it was a Tabernacle Choir version that was running through my head. I decided that it would be very appropriate for our first song as well as to sing in Stake Conference. The song was Praise To The Lord, The Almighty. As we began practicing the song, (so thankful for the faithful people who support the choir and diligently come sing and put up with my poor music-leading skills!) I realized that the line of the song that had been running through my head was not only a clue about what song to sing, but was the Lord's words of comfort to me. The line was "ponder anew, what the Almighty can do, who with His love doth befriend thee".

He knew how I was struggling to accept and do this calling, how inadequate I felt and how scared I was and he was telling me to rely on him. What could not be done with the love and help of The Lord? I knew then that I would be able to get through this calling with his help and hopefully learn some new skills in the process. That was really so comforting to me and I loved hearing the choir share that message in Stake Conference, which happened to be my music-leading debut! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because when I stood to lead I could only see the faces of my ward choir friends and with their help and the Lord's I got through that and am still learning and growing in this calling. 

He has helped me with music a couple of other times, most recently our Easter song. Often he will put a tune or line of music into my head and when I really notice it's constancy I know its one we need to sing in Choir. I have enjoyed finding songs or arrangements that are not the standard or as well known. That part of the calling has been very fun for me. And I appreciate his little clues to them.

~The next significant time that The Lord used music to help me was in January. I had been working at the school, helping do bathroom cleaning because of medical issues of one of the regular workers, and at that time I was really in the doldrums about my life. I was feeling like I'd lost myself somewhere over the years and wondering if my life would ever be more than just being a mom, or cleaning up after everyone. Satan had really been doing a number on me, making me question my life's choices. 

One morning as I was mopping a floor and as I was listening to "Music with a Message' on the Mormon Channel, I heard a song that just stopped me in my tracks. It is by Jenny Jordan Frogley, (whose music I love) but I had never heard it before. It is titled In The Meantime. It was truly an answer to my searching, seeking soul that day and it has brought me much comfort and helped me find joy in my chosen path again. Here are the words:

In her heart she holds the dreams,
That she's carried since the day she turned thirteen.
Of all that she would be when she was grown,
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own.
She dreams she flies,
She's still waiting for the chance to try...

But in the meantime she's a mother and a daughter and a wife.
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind.
And she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life,
She doesn't know she's being molded and refined,
In the meantime.

Someday she'll go back to school.
When the car pools and the soccer games are through.
Cause deep inside she's still the girl,
Who's always felt the fight to make a difference in the world.
She dreams she'll soar,
When she finally has the time to do more...

But in the meantime she's a sister and a teacher and a friend.
Hours turn into days, that turn to years that never end.
And she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again,
She's becoming one on whom God can depend,
In the meantime.

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life,
and heaven hears her heart before she cries.
Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials,
She's becoming sanctified.

In the meantime she's an answer and a blessing and a gift,
to every empty, aching heart that only she can lift.
Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is,
If she could only see the mansion waiting there.
If she could only feel how much her father cares.
She would know she's being perfectly prepared,
In the meantime.    Jenny Jordan Frogley

I tearfully listened as I worked and I hoped and prayed it was true. That as I sacrificed to be a wife and mother, I was being molded and refined, one on whom God could depend, sanctified and perfectly prepared. I felt the truth of those words burn into my heart and in that moment I could let go of the pain and sadness I had been letting take over my heart. I've always known that God could and was making more of my life than I could make of it, this song just reaffirmed it to me in a morment of weakness and sadness. 

How thankful I am for music, for those who have a way of putting principles and truths into words and set them to music so that they can speak to my soul when it needs comforting. We have so much good music to listen to that teaches truth and brings the spirit into our lives and homes. What a blessing and resource our loving Father has provided for his children.

The tender mercies and answered prayers

I have always been thankful to have have my prayers answered and know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my needs. Lately, however, I have noticed that not only are they answered but they are answered in very specific to me ways. Ways that I can really see that he knows and LOVES me, because they are such personal answers.

Here are a few recent examples:
1- Lately I've been feeling very unsettled, frustrated and just a general feeling of discontent with my life. I was beginning to wonder where Kassie had disappeared to. Wondering if my life would ever be more than just my role as a mom. I felt I had lost myself somewhere along the way. I had lost my creativity and desire to create. I don't think that it was confined to just me, it seems that I read of similar feelings on blogs of women I respect and also among some of my friends. Not sure why these feelings were so strong but I know they were really causing me to question why I am doing what I'm doing. I definitely was suffering from "martyr syndrome" and feeling quite picked upon and unhappy. In my head, I knew it was not warranted, I love my family and I know logically that being a mother is the greatest thing I can be doing, but at that time I just didn't FEEL it. I struggled with how to overcome these feelings and to once again find the joy in motherhood I have felt before and longed to feel again. I know that Heavenly Father knew my struggles and desires to feel at peace and happy with my choice to be a mother. He gave me that through the words of other mothers. I found a couple of blogs that I had never read before and each of these ladies shared words that really touched my heart and soul.
The first one was Karen who writes at ahousefullofsunshine.com. I found her blog through another blog about organizing, but it was her posts about mothers and her ebook, Your Beautiful Life, that really spoke to me. Here is an excerpt from her book that I really related to….

Fast-forward a few years, and I had three kids three years old and younger. I was exhausted, sleep-deprived, stressed out, and cranky. I flew from one crisis to the next all day long – breaking up fights, feeding a crying baby, cleaning up spills, tending to injuries, wiping noses, changing nappies, and answering the nonstop flow of wails and demands from my kids to open this or fix that or help them with something else. My life felt like a handmade boat, sinking not far from the shore. New leaks were springing up all over the place, and my whole existence revolved around scrambling from one leak to the next, frantically patching holes. I was in reaction mode. Survival mode. And yet, a part of me wondered – shouldn’t my life as a Mum be about more than just trying not to sink? Aren’t boats supposed to take us somewhere? ….

That’s what this book is about. Where are you going? Are you living the creative, joyful life you’ve always wanted to live? Do you have a destination in mind for your home, your family, and yourself? Or are you so busy patching holes and trying not to sink that you’ve forgotten where you’re even headed? 

But let’s be honest: when your life is consumed with your children on a daily basis, it’s easy to let an essential part of yourself slip between your fingers and disappear. 

I think of this as the GAP in your life when you become a mother. GAP stands for: 

Gifts 

Abilities 

Passions 

Some of you knew what your gifts, abilities and passions were before you become a mother, but now you feel like there’s nothing left of yourself to give to those areas. You’ve begun to forget about an essential part of who you are. 

Perhaps others of you have never taken the time to identify your giftings. 

When we suppress our creativity because we are too busy or tired or everything else seems more important, we anaesthetise a part of ourselves. 

I remember sitting on the love seat, in the addition, in the sunshine reading this ebook and having tears streaming down my face because it was so spot on for where I was at that moment. I truly believe Heavenly Father helped me find that blog when I most needed to read those words. 

Here is another quote from Karen that I love, from this post,

"Mama, I wish society could see what I see when I look at you. I wish your role was valued and honoured and respected. I wish you weren’t invisible. 

But for now, for those days when you feel unseen and unappreciated, remember the essential beauty and purpose in the hidden things.

You’re invisible the way warmth rests upon the skin; the way laughter need not be seen to find its way into the chinks and crannies of your soul. 

You’re invisible like a song in the dark. Like a kiss on a sleeping cheek. 

Like faith, and hope, and love.

Like the quiet beat of a heart, its repetitive work largely unnoticed, but without which none of us could exist." (I really loved this analogy!)

2-Another blog, entitled Mothers Who Know,  I came across on a Pinterest search for Scripture Study ideas and tips. It is written by Susan, who is the same age as me and has 8 daughters. She recently had a medical scare and as I read her experience it brought back memories of my own medical scare and I knew I needed to read her whole blog. It took me a few weeks of back-reading to read it all, but it is an amazing blog full of wisdom and truth. There are many posts on it that I will refer back to as needed, or direct others to when appropriate. 
Here is an excerpt from a post I really needed to read:

"Try as we might, we cannot separate ourselves from our divine, sacred role of mothers.  We are mothers.   Always.  Everyday.  No Matter What.  We set the tone for our families and lead our families according to our examples.  The family follows our lead, both the spoken and unspoken. This is NOT the time to  sow our wild un-sown oats from our teenage-hood.  We are not teenagers living in motherly bodies.  It was time to give all that up a lo-o--ong time ago.  We Are Mothers.  And need to act like it.  

We need to stop this mentality that is from the adversary meant and devised only to weaken mothers and eventually destroy the family, that it is OUR turn for everything.  That is such a needy and selfish way of thinking. It upsets the balance of the family.  As we are going out having "our turn", who is doing our role in the home?  Well, the children and husband are. They are at home waiting for their wife and mother to be done doing "their thing".   This "having our turn"  doesn't even strengthen us, like it promises to do.  It just emotionally detaches us from our sacred role as mothers and wives.  

It is not our turn, it is the Savior's turn. Not ours. Everything we do and are, needs to be what He would do and what He is.  We take His place in the home.  We are the healers and the nurtures. Just as everything HE did was about the Father, everything we do needs to be about the Savior."

Reading this really helped me put everything back into proper perspective. I had allowed Satan to tell me I was unhappy in my role as a wife and mother and I was allowing myself to become emotionally detached.  This post brought back to me that I really needed to just focus on the basics and being the mom that the Lord needs me to be for this family. Amazingly as we focus less on ourselves we find more joy. We love those we serve.

3- At one point a couple of books I had read years ago and loved came back into my mind. I had borrowed one from Grandma Yorgason and one from the library and had no access to them now. Our little town library did not have them in circulation. So I did what any 21st century woman does, I looked on Amazon. I was so happy to find them available and I 'threw' them into my cart and quickly bought them. I waited anxiously for them to arrive so I could read them again. 

The titles are: Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner, (Personal Discoveries of a Mother of Twelve) and Celebration! Ten Principles of More Joyous Living. 

They are written by Geroldeen Ashland Edwards. They are funny, insightful and inspiring. I have loved rereading them and they have helped me begin to find the joy in mothering that I had lost. I know that the thought of them popping into my mind was not of my doing. I hadn't thought of them in years. But Heavenly Father knew I needed to reread them and glean from them things that could help me in my current funk.

4-This year as I was trying to pick my one word for the year I had several I was contemplating. It is a year long resolution of sorts, a focus for the year. I pondered what i wanted to focus on this year and narrowed it down to Cheerful and Stickety-tuity. I guess I'm having a 2 word year this year. 

As I go about life I keep coming across the word cheerful and I have been surprised how many times I've found it in church quotes. This year we are studying Ezra Taft Benson in Relief Society. These two quotes were in lesson #4 and really caught my attention as I had just chosen Cheerful as my word.

We have no cause to really worry. Live the gospel, keep the commandments. Attend to your prayers night and morning in your home. Maintain the standards of the Church. Try and live calmly and cheerfully. … Happiness must be earned from day to day. But it is worth the effort.

Be cheerful in all that you do. Live joyfully. Live happily. Live enthusiastically, knowing that God does not dwell in gloom and melancholy, but in light and love.

I have also run across Doctrine and Covenants 64:33-34 a lot lately. I think it will be my scripture of the year. I plan to print it up nicely and frame it for my kitchen window. I  should probably try to memorize it as well. 

He has also answered my prayers through music over the years but I am going to write a whole post about that. How thankful I am that he hears me and answers my prayers, both spoken and unspoken. I love that he uses all forms of communication to answer me. I have learned that he can use whatever he desires to answer prayer and will use whatever method He knows will work. I am thankful for other women who share their hearts and wisdom and knowledge to inspire and help others. Perhaps someday, something I have shared will bless the life of someone searching for inspiration. Maybe it will be my daughter or granddaughter or even a great-great-great granddaughter. Heavenly Father often uses others to bless His children. I have been blessed by others who are acting as His hands and hope to someday be His hands in blessing someone else's life.

I'm so wishy-washy...

Lately I've been really disenchanted with my 'farm chores'. This will be the second winter of caring for chickens and I find myself dreading going out into the cold to take care of them. So each day it seems to be later in the day before I get out there. I mentioned to Curtis how tired I was of the chore and he said that, if I want to, we can give them all to our farmer friend and just buy the eggs from him....I'm thinking I like the sound of that.

When we moved here 5 years ago I was so excited and gung-ho to have the space to build a mini-farm. I wanted chickens, possibly goats or a milk cow, and a LARGE garden. It took us a while to get our feet under us and start collecting. We built garden boxes, we got more bees, we got the chickens and came thisclose to getting milking goats. In the last three years, this is what I've learned:

• I'm not a gardener. I like growing food, but I'm not Mavis and I'm not going to grow tons of food because I don't like being outside working in the garden all day!
• I'm not my dad. I don't like having daily feeding chores. Last winter I kept asking myself why I had turned myself into my dad. I had animals that I HAD to feed every day... rain, snow or shine.
• I'm SSSOOOOOOOO glad I never got a goat or cow to milk! If I think feeding chickens, collecting eggs and cleaning a coop is bad...! Yikes. 
• I thought the kids would be more involved in all this, but that was my dream, not theirs, hence the fact that C and I are the ones doing all the work....
• Although I'm thankful to have tried these things and for what I've learned (about chickens and gardening) through this experience, it's not my love and passion. I don't dream about it...anymore. 

My friend and I were discussing this the other day, (she still loves this stuff) and she asked me what my passion was. What do I love to do and long to do? And I had to say, "I don't know." I truly don't. I wonder if I'll every figure it out, or if I'll just go through life, trying this or that or whatever is sounding good at the moment only to realized it's not IT either.

I have heard of mothers who feel like they've lost themselves in the process of mothering and I've never quite related to that. But now, after 25+ years of being a mom I'm realizing I'm not sure who I am or what I am beyond a mom. I'm not angry or resentful about it, mostly I'm confused and curious. What lies within me waiting to be discovered?

I recently read a blog post, (can't find the link or I'd post it) and it talked about how people have either a 'fixed' mindset or a 'growth' mindset. It was very interesting and has given me a lot to think about. I've realized that logically I say I have or believe in a 'growth' mindset but my behavior and history tell me I've lived a 'fixed' mindset. I want to change that. I want to stop being afraid to try new things or to learn. I have a number of things I've wanted to do/learn but as I have grown older when I think of them, I usually think to myself that "it's too late, the time for such things is past". I think it's more that I'm letting fear of failure stop me from attempting things. I've always said it's never too late to learn or that learning never stops, yet I stop my learning at the doing stage. I study, research and digest information and then never DO anything with it other than think about it.

I'm hoping that in my wishy-washy way I can find what my passion is, or at least find something I truly enjoy doing, and actually make myself DO IT!

Procrastination is not my friend...

'Procrastination is not your friend!' is one of Curtis's favorite sayings. We hear it a lot at our house.

Lately I've come to realize what my own procrastination has cost me.

At least twice in the last couple of months I have found myself missing out on serving someone or doing something I'd really wanted to do because I had put off doing something else and the time was gone. 

At the end of Aug I had a talk to give in church. I knew about it for 3 weeks but kept putting off putting anything down on paper. The last couple of days I knew I had to focus and write. An opportunity (can't for the life of me remember now exactly what. *Curtis helped me remember that we were given the opportunity to help clean the temple after the last Saturday session but I couldn't stay.*)came up on one of those days and I had to decline because I had left myself no time. 

This week I was invited to go to the temple with my sister while she was in town. I told her I'd love to go and that I better get my robe ironed. I'd washed it weeks ago and let it sit in a basket to be ironed. Well, come Saturday afternoon and I'm scrambling to get ready and realize my robe is still not ironed. I ran downstairs, turned on the iron and tried to put those pleats back into it. I got the iron too hot and nearly ruined my robe. I then realized I didn't have time to get it done before I'd need to leave and with a heavy heart I had to let my sister know I would not be able to be there.

In both of these instances, if I had not put off the task I would have been able to serve when the opportunity arose. I feel badly that because I didn't get to the temple maybe one person had to wait for her ordinance work to be done a little bit longer. 

I have fought procrastination all my life, along with its companion, perfectionism. I hate to think of all I've missed out on or caused others to miss out on because of it. I hope that I can do a better job in the future, remembering these lessons and that when those service opportunities arise, I can say, 'Sure, I'd love to help!' knowing I have the ability and availability to do so :)

My attempt to become a THM*

I can't believe I'm actually allowing this picture to be seen. It's frightening.

For years I have watched my weight slowly but steadily creep up to numbers I had never seen unless I was pregnant. No matter what I did I couldn't drop any weight unless I exercised like a fiend, (not something I could keep up for more than a day) and/or starved myself.

I had reached a point where I had just accepted that I would never be thin again and I was trying to not be sad about it. 

In August as I was reading through blogs the name of a book kept popping up. Trim Healthy Mama. I had never heard if it but I was intrigued. I looked at the website for the book and googled it to see what I could find about it. I found that a couple of people I know of from other things (DYT) were having success with it. I joined the FB page and started learning as much that way as I could. When I got a paycheck I bought the ebook. I printed it out, all 650 pages, and began reading.

As I was able to, I bought the things necessary to eat sugar-free and lo-carb. I have been loosely following it since the first weekend in Nov and to date I've lost 8 lbs, and an average of an inch off all my measurements. I started at 174.2 and today I weighed in at 166.

And I've done it by simply not combining my fuel sources at meals. I either eat meals that are most fat fueled or mostly carbohydrate fueled. I have exercised a bit but not more than 20 minutes/3 days a week. And I never feel deprived or hungry. 

To say I'm happy would be putting it mildly. I feel so liberated to have found a way to reduce when weight creeps on and how to maintain a loss for more than a month. I no longer have that sad feeling that it's inevitable that I'll be chubby for the rest of my life. I know I can be trim and healthy. I'm so thankful for this information that I believe I was led to. I believe it was an answer to my silent prayers about my health and weight!

another nasty 'before picture'
I hope to have some nice after pictures one day soon.

the 'strange' things i ordered from Swanson vitamins to get me going.
Whey protein powder, Apple Cider Vinegar, Glucomannon, Psyllium powder,
Milk Thistle capsules, Rooibos tea packets
What in the world?????

This was the first time I made 'Good Girl Moonshine"
It's a tangy drink made from Apple Cider Vinegar, ginger, stevia and lots of water and ice.
I wasn't sure about it the first time I tried it, but Charles slurped it right down.

Trim Healthy Pancakes with Raspberry sauce. YUM!!

Good things:

Watching and listening to my girls in their band and choir concert

No one has thrown up in almost 24 hours

A large washer that can handle tons of bedding

Fort Building....

I had an interesting insight hit me today. Just recording it for my remembrance...

When we first moved back to Utah after living in Arizona for 7 1/2 years, my kids and I stayed in Monticello with my parents while Curtis lived and worked in Provo and tried to find housing for our family.

It was June and summer was starting, and for some reason we could not get the boys to go outside and play, explore or do anything else. One day Grandma and I told Jordan, age 8, and Montana, age 4, to go down off the hill and build themselves a fort. Montana asked us in a very serious manner if there was a library in town. We told him yes and asked why, to which he replied, "Well, maybe we can go there and check out a video on how to build forts!"

My first thought was "poor, little, city boy". We tried to hold in our laughter and told them they didn't need a video to build forts, that they could just figure it out. If I remember correctly, they never did build one. Too much time cooped up in houses, with videos, and a mom who didn't want to go out to watch them in the heat of the AZ sun. Sad.

Lately, I've had an urge to really study my scriptures, rather than just read them. However I never really start because I feel like I don't know how or where to begin. So I've been reading about studying scriptures, hoping to find insight and inspiration in the words of those who know how to do it. And I keep putting off just opening my scriptures and studying.

As I thought about this yesterday, I realized that I have been 'going to the library to get videos on how to build forts'! I keep looking for outside guidance instead of just figuring it out for myself. Instead of using the actual resource I keep dancing around it, reading about other people using the resource.

It's time to just 'build my fort'. To open those precious books and study them.
The fact that the scriptures are compared to a fort in this instance is not lost on me. As I learn to read and study and ponder I will fortify myself spiritually to protect myself and my loved ones in these wicked, crazy days.

I love how Heavenly Father teaches us quietly and gently by our own experiences. Feeling very grateful to Him today.

Simple or Prudent?

For quite a few years now I have had the goal to 'simplify' my life. To stick to the basics and not get caught up in the craziness that our society deems necessary.

One night as I was reading my scriptures I started reading through Proverbs. Some verses started catching my eye.

Proverbs 14:8  The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way: but the folly of fools is deceit.

Proverbs14:18 The simple inherit folly: but the prudent are crowned with knowledge.

Proverbs 15:5  A fool despiseth his father’s instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent.

Proverbs 16:21  The wise in heart shall be called prudent

Proverbs 18:15 The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.

Proverbs 22:3 A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.

I acknowledge that I am taking these verses out of context, but the term prudent really stuck out to me. And when I saw it in contrast to the term simple(which seemed to be equated with fool) I began to wonder if I have been attempting to reach the wrong goal.

Prudent is defined in Webster's 1828 dictionary as: 

PRU'DENT, a. Cautious; circumspect; practically wise; careful of the consequences of enterprises, measures or actions; cautious not to act when the end is of doubtful utility, or probably impracticable.

The prudent man looketh well to his going. Prov.14.

A prudent man foreseeth the evil and hideth himself. Prov.22.

1. Dictated or directed by prudence; as prudent behavior.

2. Foreseeing by instinct; as the prudent crane.

3. Frugal; economical; as a prudent woman; prudent expenditure of money.

4. Wise; intelligent.

It seems to me that prudent is actually what I want to be, to become and to be descriptive of my life. 

To be knowledgeable, wise, frugal, to understand, to forsee evil and escape punishment. That is what I want.

I think I may need to change that word on my kitchen wall from Simplify to Prudent!