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With all the events of the last few months and another heavy burden added yesterday, this song by Kenneth Cope just keeps running through my mind. I sometimes wonder how much more I can deal with, yet how could I say no to any of it? The experience, the growth, the refiner's fire?

More by Kenneth Cope

More steady, more sure

More trusted, more pure

Some say it doesn't matter

More trained and more aware

More aim to get me there

I climb this far

You raise the bar

You want my heart

CHORUS

More fierce desire

To stand against the wind

More blazing fire

When dark is closing in

More love-inspired change within

So there's more and more of me to give

More words to learn and know

More etched upon my soul

Some say it doesn't matter

More tried, more true

Less me, and much more You

I stretch this tall

You sound the call

You want my all.

CHORUS

You keep reaching out--You're calling out to me for

More strengthened shoulders

To face the war with sin

More wise and bolder

To save the souls of men

A more faithful soldier to the end

You want more and more of me to give

More and more of me to give

More love, more light,

More purpose, more serve with all my might,

I need more hope, more faith

More patience, each day I pray for more

More and more of me to give

More fire, more zeal

More spirit to know what's real

More courage, more joy

More, more and more of me to give

More grateful, more true

More humble to trust and do

You call, I hear

I'll walk the path that's set in stone

My heart is fixed on getting home

And what on earth could ever matter more?

More and more of me to give

More

I need to keep these words in my mind to remind myself that I'm trying to do more, to desire to do His will until mine matches His. What on earth could matter more?

Help!

I'm trying to choose a way to paint my kitchen cabinets so I can live with them for a few more years without wanting to scream everytime I see them. They have been white with red knobs for about 10 years and it's time for an update. We were hoping to replace them, but with the job sitch that's not going to happen for a while. (See the above picture for the current kitchen. The plywood in the floor will be covered with an island at some future point as well, as we can afford to purchase the cabinets.)

What I really want to do is paint the lower cabinets either espresso(really dark brown, almost black) or black and do the upper cabs in an oatmeal color with some glazing. I've also thought about adding some trim to the doors, since they are just flat.

I could just repaint them in white and get new hardware, but they get so dang dirty all the time. I am wanting to do something that hides fingerprints and crud a bit better.

What do you think???? Will it look goofy to have our old white appliances in a black/cream kitchen until we can get the stainless ones we are planning on?

**edited to add the stupid blogger won't let me add spaces or indent my paragraphs for easier reading. Stupid blogger!**

Things are CRRRAZZZZY around here!

Here's what's been happening----Allie (11) was staying in Bluff with Grandma because Grandpa was working in Monticello last week. But on Tuesday, she had gone on the truck with Grandpa for a run. My sis, Karla, called Mom to see how Allie was doing and she said that Mom didn't sound like herself and when she asked her how she was and what she could do for her, Mom said, "Shoot me." Which is not characteristic of my mom. AT ALL! So Karla dropped what she was doing and called Wendy who called the cancer center, and then she drove to Bluff to get Mom. She had to convince her to come to Monticello to the ER, but she was able to get her there. Mom was running a fever and her white blood count was below 500. She ended up staying in the hospital until Sat. morning. They never could get anything to culture out, so it must have been a virus that was making her sick. She had been pumped full of antibiotics, which doesn't help fight a virus, although it may have been helpful for any other 'bugs' that she was exposed to in the hospital. On Thursday the dr. told Mom how sick she had been and how serious it was. He told Mom and Dad that if she had been a couple of hours later in getting to the hospital, she might not have made it, that at that point there would have been nothing they could have done to help her. She thought that was so crazy because she hadn't felt that sick, just like she was getting a cold. But when your immune system is basically non-functional due to chemo, that's serious. There aren't any white blood cells to fight anything off. None of us realized until that point how important, life or death serious, it is for her to keep away from sick people. I feel so guilty for going down there at the beginning of May with kids who had been getting over colds. It was strange to look at my mom lying there in that hospital bed. My mom, who is always full of energy and going 90 miles an hour and leaving me in the dust. Lying there, with her hair gone and hooked up to heart monitors and IV's, she almost looked fragile. And I didn't like that! My mom has always been the strong, healthy one. It was surreal. Thankfully, her white count came back up exponentially every day that she was in the hospital and she's doing well now. She called me yesterday and she had her count done again to see if she should even come up this week for chemo and it is high enough that they can go ahead with her treatment. Which is good, so it doesn't throw off her scheduled appointments. This will be treatment #4. After this one, they will run a CT scan again to see if the cancer is shrinking. I'm so anxious to hear that they don't 'see' anything. Add to this the regular chaos of a house full of children who are BORED because there's nothing to do, Primary responsibilities including ^%&#*$& Cub Scouts, a husband who is now working two jobs so we never see him and you have some idea of why I don't update my blog very often. In fact, I'm ignoring a crying baby right now because I needed to email a missionary son and thought I'd do a quick post here as well. OK, back to my regularly scheduled life!

I'm taking it slowly....

I have to confess that painting scares the crud out of me. Why, you ask?

I have no idea.

I think it's because I might choose the wrong color--ask C about the color I chose for the dining room! We went with the one he chose.
Or because I might make a blasted mess. Um, yeah, that goes without saying.

But I am slowly learning that this is something I CAN do.

So, although I have a long way to go to be as fearless as Rebecca or Melissa or Kimba (who inspire me all the time to want to DO something) , I want to show you my first repainted thrift store find.

Got this little chalkboard/whiteboard easel at good ol' DI and pulled out my trusty sponge brush and patio paint.

I like how it turned out and I love that the black hides the marker.


Maybe some day I'll feel brave enough to put a brush to a wall or use spraypaint.

Here It Is!

We caught one of those fleeting smiles.

Hooray!

Today I got the best gift!

I've been waiting for it for about 9 months and 6 weeks.

An unsolicited smile on the sweet face of my littlest guy.

Swoon!!

I swear it makes ALL the sleepless nights WORTHWHILE.

p.s. I will attempt to capture a picture of his sweet smile and post it here.

Looking Up!

We spent yesterday evening at Aunt Joann’s funeral. What an amazing woman! She had really lived and left a tremendous legacy of compassion and love for her family. She died of Lyme disease so she generously donated her body for Lyme disease research so there was no casket or trip to a cemetery. Just a lovely service to remember her and what she did with her life.

My mom had a couple of really good appointments at the Huntsman Cancer Center and is feeling really optimistic about the treatments and her prognosis.

My aunt Betty also was given some encouraging information from her doctors about her condition.

Sweet baby boy is gaining weight. I can see it in his face and his legs are finally starting to get some chub on them. That's a relief. I think a real smile is just around the corner and I'm anxiously waiting for it.

And finally, I have a new niece, Ane.  Born last night, to a mother who thought she'd never have a chance to experience pregnancy and childbirth. Priceless.

Just when things seem to be so dark and hopeless, a little light shines through. Miracles happen.

In Need of Hope...

This has been a very hard week for me and my family. It seems that trouble has found us and is loathe to leave. When I was growing up in my very small hometown, it seemed like serious illness and death occurred in groups of 3. (Maybe we're just pattern-noticers or superstitious!) And it's happened again. Two people who I love dearly have been diagnosed with that big nasty C-word.

CANCER!!

One is a first diagnosis and hopefully it has been caught soon enough to take care of. The other is someone who has fought this battle before, and it's come back again. This time it looks like it might be the last fight. Then we received word that Aunt Joann passed away last night after a long fight with Lyme disease. It was so painful watching a lovely, vibrant woman wither away. As always, I feel so thankful that she is released from the pain and physical suffering she endured, but I ache for her children and for Uncle Keith. This is the second wife he has attended through a long illness and death. I'm finding it really hard right now to have a happy countenance or a cheerful outlook. I can only imagine how I would be feeling if I did not have the knowledge of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ to give me hope. I can see how things like this would make life seem truly hopeless. I know that He is aware of all that we go through and can succor us in our times of need, and that through His love I will be able to feel hope and peace again and put on a smile for my family.

A LITTLE something to worry about! (You'd think I'd never fed a baby before...)

Last week I took the little guy in for his 2 week checkup. I even pondered, for a minute, not going to it, since this is child #8. But I decided that it was okay to go have him checked out.

Well, it turns out that he is not gaining weight.

Really not gaining weight.

Losing it, in fact.

He was down 1 lb and 3 oz from his birth weight.



Dr. is concerned and wants to see him again this week and so

my only job from now until then is to fatten this little guy up.
Read: I am the milk-cow.



I've resorted to pumping in between feedings to have

a little extra milk to let others feed to him and
using some Fenugreek to try to up the supply.



I think it's doing some good, he seems less sleepy and

is eating more vigorously than he was last week.

Hopefully it will all have been worthwhile and
the little guy will be a little less little at weigh-in.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

I Feel So Much Better!

The little guy finally made it here.

He arrived on Sunday morning at 5 a.m. He weighed in at 8 lb 7 oz, and is 19 inches long. He is a lovely baby, quite calm and alert. He has figured out the nursing thing quickly and even takes a pacifier.

We are loving every minute with him and I often have to resort to the "I'm the mother" card so I can get a turn holding him.

It was a simple, uncomplicated birth and I feel great. I'm tired, which is to be expected.

Fun fact: He did have a knot tied in his cord. I've got the makings of a Scout on my hands, I guess.

Hooray!! It's Here!

I had almost given up hope that it would ever arrive......
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Gotcha!

Nope, not the baby, just my Project 365 Kit from Becky Higgins. I ordered it on Jan 1 and so did a zillion other people. They ran out of what they had in the warehouse, and so mine was backordered. It was supposed to show in Feb, but didn't and so I thought that I just wasn't going to get one. Then I got an email on Thurs that it had come in by slow boat from China and was ready to ship out to me. It came today by FedEx. It's a really cool concept for capturing a year of life, one picture a day. I've been diligently taking my pictures, now I just need to print them and put them in the right slots and keep going for the rest of the year.

I'll post a picture when I have some of the pictures in.

Maybe the baby will show up today, too. I've been having contractions just not regular enough to head to the hospital yet.

Ugh!!

Well, another visit to the dr today. Went from a 1 last week to a 2 this week. I told him that at this rate the baby won't be born for 8 more weeks. He did offer to come break my water if I took myself to the hospital......

Actually, I think Baby is afraid to come to this house. We can't seem to get rid of the sickies. I have one with a sore throat yesterday and today and two with congestion, runny nose and runny eyes. Somehow I need to get them well before this baby can come out to play.

Still Here!

Here's a pic of me and my little sis, showing our lovely matching bellies. Yes, I'm sure mine would be bigger even if I was due after her. I'm just a 'bigger' person. Aren't we cute??

Baby still hasn't made his appearance. I guess he knows that we've had a lot of 'bugs' running around this house and he isn't interested in catching any of them.

I actually have to fill in for my Primary music leader tomorrow, so I guess it will be good if he waits til that is done.

Countdown is on!!

Well, the two week countdown is on.

We are now in the time frame when this little guy could make his appearance. So EXCITED!!

I have never made it to a due date yet. I have always gone early. I know, I know, that's not fair.
I have gone anywhere from 2 wks to 1 day early. So I'm anxiously watching for labor signs.

I'm R E A D Y. (I think.)

The thing that's making it more fun than usual is that I'm basically in a race with my youngest sister. Who is not due until April. But thinks she needs to win the race, so she's having some pre-term contractions and is residing in Provo until her baby gets here.

Maybe we can be hospital mates this time. That could be fun!!

I've been tagged! (this is a first)

(Just a small portion of the books we checked out last trip to the library)

My friend, texasblu, tagged me recently. And this tag is not one of those easy, 21 strange things about me, kinds of tags. This one makes me have to think!! Imagine that. I don't suppose I have 5 people to tag, but if there is anyone out there who happens upon this blog, consider yourself tagged. List at least five things you do to support and spread a love of the written word, then tag five people. (If you list something that touches youngsters, you get a bonus letter!)

1. I take my kids to the library. REGULARLY!! At any given time, we have nearly 100+ books checked out. Lots for homeschool, but lots that the kids check out just for personal reading time. 

2. I have always read to my children, especially when they are younger. I think it instills in them a love of reading and being read to. So far my theory is correct. Six of my seven children LOVE to read, the others are too small to read on their own. 

 3. I have always thought that I would like to be a literacy volunteer and help illiterate adults to read. I simply can't imagine life without reading. While I have yet to do that, I have realized that by homeschooling I am getting my training in. I still plan to volunteer to help with that at some future time, when my kids are more grown and I have the time. 

 4. I also blog. It's my computerized journal. I will at infrequent intervals copy and paste the posts into my Word Doc journal and at some point I will print them and place them in a binder for future generations. This reminds me that I haven't done the copy/paste routine in a while and need to. 5. We have shelves of books all over our house. I have one in my bedroom, my DH has his own in our room. We have two absolutely overflowing ones in the family room. We have a school related one in the dining room where we do our 'studying' and we have a basket for the library books there as well. Soren has his own box of books near his bed that he can choose a night time story or nap time story from. 

Books are just part of our family culture. We can't imagine our home with out reading materials scattered everywhere. If you look into each of the bedrooms in our house you will find stacks of books near the beds. Sometimes it feels as if the books are taking over.

False Alarm!!

It was all a false alarm. I misunderstood what antibody the dr. said I tested positive for....it was a random antibody that he didn't even know what was.
When he spoke to the lab about it and asked what the implications were, he was told by the nice Indian(from India) tech that it was "not clinically relevant". So he asked why they test for that antibody and he was told "because we can" (rolling eyes here, that's the excuse my kids use all the time).

So there is nothing to worry about with this pregnancy or any other. Whew!!

My new toy!

My sweet and generous mom came to town this week and left this fun little gadget in my care.

It's a Bernina Artista 630.

This thing has bells and whistles.

I've got lots of reading and fiddling to do to figure it all out, but I'm so excited to have a good sewing machine with embroidery capabilities. Hopefully, I'll have some fun projects to talk about in the near future!

THANKS, MOM!

My Miracle failed this Time!

Just got back from my 33 wk dr. appt and he told me that I had tested positive on the antibody screen. I just looked at him, in my mind asking myself, "Is he saying what I think he's saying?"
He looked at me and asked if I'd ever tested positive before and I said, 'I don't think so because I have no idea what you're talking about." But he was saying what I thought he was saying and I did have a little idea of what he was talking about.

So the deal is that somehow, even though I've had my RhoGam every time I've been pregnant,
(every. single. time.)
I have become sensitized to RH+ blood.
I've had that injection 18 times and it's worked until now.

What in the world does that mean? I have some idea but I'm doing lots of reading on the internet and waiting for him to get back to me following his speaking to the perinatologist at Maternal Fetal Medicine.

I'm wondering if it's my little hint that it's okay to be done with bearing children......

Holly, Jolly Christmas!

Since I consider this my 'journal' I suppose I ought to write down how Christmas went. Typical of my life, nothing went according to plan. I suppose I ought to be used to that now, but I still try to have a loose plan and get a bit flustrated when my plan is overridden.

December was an incredibly hectic month for me personally. Between all the kids activities for school and music, I was also in the midst of making changes and plans for our ward Primary for next year. This is my first change of year as Primary President and I'm sure I'm complicating it more than it needs to be, but it feels like the right time to make some changes. I then also threw in on top of all that a Primary Quarterly Activity, since we hadn't done one yet as a presidency and dental checkups in my hometown!

We muddled through all the school and music and Primary stuff and headed off to the sunny south! Yeah, right! We had a big storm the day we were at the dentist and headed home on iffy roads the next day. As we drove north, things seemed to get better, until we hit that lovely road between Green River and Price. It's 60 miles of nothing...sagebrush doesn't even grow there. As we were driving I started hearing this very loud, whining sound over the radio. I wondered if it was our car and turned off the radio. It was very loud and as I started to slow, so did the whining sound. Oh, GREAT!! I pulled over and tried to call my husband,(thanks to my dad for sending me off with his cell phone as mine was not functional) and couldn't get hold of him. I then called my sister in Price and asked her to try to call my hubby and give him Dad's cell phone number. I thought maybe he wasn't answering because he didn't recognize the number. He finally called me back and we set a plan in motion for him to come get me, the kids and the car.

I'm so thankful that my sister lived so close, we were a half hour from her, so she sent her son to pick us up and take us to her house. They also arranged for a friend to go out with a towtruck to retrieve my car. Hubby finally located an auto trailer and, thanks to his BIL, a vehicle to pull it and carry all of us. He made it there pretty late and we decided not to chance the icy roads through the canyon and so we stayed over and drove home on the 24th.

Needless to say, that changed a few of our plans. I didn't have a chance to finish all the shopping, but the kids were really understanding and didn't complain. We spent a quiet Christmas day at home with our kids. Hubby's parent's showed up at 8:30 in the morning and it was their knock that woke us up! We stayed in our p.j.'s all day and ate way too much junk and played with new games, puzzles and toys, but the highlight of the day was getting to talk to our missionary son.
He called at about 1 p.m. and we got 40 minutes to hear his voice. He didn't have much to say. We had put the phone on speaker and I think he was actually overwhelmed at the noise and chaos of our home. He must have forgotten how crazy it can get. I am so thankful that he is being watched over and taken care of. He has had many interesting experiences that have helped his own testimony grow. I'm so pleased at the efforts he makes each day to share the beautiful message of the gospel of Christ. I know it's not easy to wake up each day and go out to talk to people who don't really want to talk to you, but he does it and we 'see' the changes and blessings that it is bringing to his life.

Looking back at this Christmas season, I feel so blessed that as crazy as things were we were still blessed beyond measure. "Things" lost alot of their appeal as we saw so many people exhibit the true spirit of Christmas to help us out. We may not be able to repay all who helped us, but we can 'pay it forward' and seek to serve and help bless the lives of others as we see and become aware of needs. That's the true spirit of Christmas, and it's good all year long!

My Modern Medical Miracle

Yesterday was the day for my friendly, 28 week rhogam shot. If you know much about me, you know I don't like, REALLY DON'T LIKE, needles. Unless I'm sewing, then that's a whole 'nother story. But I have to tell you that Rhogam is my friend. And because I love it and am so thankful for it, I am willing to put up with a needle to get it.

If you don't know what Rhogam is, it helps any woman with Rh- blood not build up antibodies to +blood that the baby she is carrying may have. Because I have O- blood and married a man with B+ blood we have an incompatibility there. If the baby we conceive should have +blood, my body would see that as an invasion and start making antibodies to fight it off. Then, any following children would be attacked by my antibodies and need to have transfusions and there is the possibility of fetal death. It's not a nice thing, and until the last few decades, there was no way to stop it. Then some smart person developed Rhogam, which prevents those antibodies from being made. It's a medical miracle and because of it I have the large family that I have.

When I got to the lab yesterday, they couldn't find my injection. I was dreading the thought of having to have the blood drawn again and the wait to have the injection, but thankfully, they were able to locate it in a different part of the hospital. Whew!!

Now, considering that you get to have one of these at 28 weeks with every pregnancy, after every birth of a +blood-type child and after every miscarriage....you can calculate that I've had a few of these. I have a stack of cards in my purse that tells the tale.

But.....every last needle stick is worth it! My undying gratitude goes out to whoever it was that figured out what the problem was and how to fix it. My DH and I, and all of our almost 8 kids are so thankful!!