Lately I've been really disenchanted with my 'farm chores'. This will be the second winter of caring for chickens and I find myself dreading going out into the cold to take care of them. So each day it seems to be later in the day before I get out there. I mentioned to Curtis how tired I was of the chore and he said that, if I want to, we can give them all to our farmer friend and just buy the eggs from him....I'm thinking I like the sound of that.
When we moved here 5 years ago I was so excited and gung-ho to have the space to build a mini-farm. I wanted chickens, possibly goats or a milk cow, and a LARGE garden. It took us a while to get our feet under us and start collecting. We built garden boxes, we got more bees, we got the chickens and came thisclose to getting milking goats. In the last three years, this is what I've learned:
- I'm not a gardener. I like growing food, but I'm not Mavis and I'm not going to grow tons of food because I don't like being outside working in the garden all day!
- I'm not my dad. I don't like having daily feeding chores. Last winter I kept asking myself why I had turned myself into my dad. I had animals that I HAD to feed every day... rain, snow or shine.
- I'm SSSOOOOOOOO glad I never got a goat or cow to milk! If I think feeding chickens, collecting eggs and cleaning a coop is bad...! Yikes.
- I thought the kids would be more involved in all this, but that was my dream, not theirs, hence the fact that C and I are the ones doing all the work....
- Although I'm thankful to have tried these things and for what I've learned (about chickens and gardening) through this experience, it's not my love and passion. I don't dream about it...anymore.
My friend and I were discussing this the other day, (she still loves this stuff) and she asked me what my passion was. What do I love to do and long to do? And I had to say, "I don't know." I truly don't. I wonder if I'll every figure it out, or if I'll just go through life, trying this or that or whatever is sounding good at the moment only to realized it's not IT either.
I have heard of mothers who feel like they've lost themselves in the process of mothering and I've never quite related to that. But now, after 25+ years of being a mom I'm realizing I'm not sure who I am or what I am beyond a mom. I'm not angry or resentful about it, mostly I'm confused and curious. What lies within me waiting to be discovered?
I recently read a blog post, (can't find the link or I'd post it) and it talked about how people have either a 'fixed' mindset or a 'growth' mindset. It was very interesting and has given me a lot to think about. I've realized that logically I say I have or believe in a 'growth' mindset but my behavior and history tell me I've lived a 'fixed' mindset. I want to change that. I want to stop being afraid to try new things or to learn. I have a number of things I've wanted to do/learn but as I have grown older when I think of them, I usually think to myself that "it's too late, the time for such things is past". I think it's more that I'm letting fear of failure stop me from attempting things. I've always said it's never too late to learn or that learning never stops, yet I stop my learning at the doing stage. I study, research and digest information and then never DO anything with it other than think about it.
I'm hoping that in my wishy-washy way I can find what my passion is, or at least find something I truly enjoy doing, and actually make myself DO IT!